How do you feel?
I really wish I could get my mind to shut off from everything for once so I could just have some peace of mind without a million notes and various emotions running through my conscious thoughts all the freakin' time. I'm so exhausted in every way imaginable and just want to relax, yet every time I think about it, I'm preoccupied with trying to figure out the most efficient and non-offensive ways to use my time here and get in some good oboe time as well as trying to find a way to work out that's either A.) Free or B.) uber-cheap, since the closest thing to a gym is the Y. Of course, mother will be getting free passes to the MAC, so I might be nabbing those ASAP when I get some sweats or something of equal status to wear.
So, how am I feeling? Here's a breakdown:
Physically: Exhausted. The last week has been quite busy, which has been nice for a change, but I wish I had a private place to work out - I'm surrounded by family 24/7, which means no privacy and no one to work out with that I'd feel comfortable with, as well as no strong, stable support for it. Even though it's warm (for Michigan in December - it was fucking 53 degrees today...) outside, I was freezing in a sweatshirt and jeans last night on the couch and then was really warm today when it was raining. Plus, my eating and sleeping are still wacky...
Emotionally: Drained, confused, but numb for the most part. I'm really tired of feeling anything and I've really noticed that I've become SOOOOOOO much more emotional than in the past, as well as not having as good of control over my emotions, as well. It seems like everything is now routed to my right hemisphere and then my left, which has totally turned me into a huge drama queen. Ideally, the perfect balance would be letting my emotions show only when I'm doing something musical, but still letting the analytical, rational side of me have precidence, regardless. Perhaps I was better off before this term, when I was more focused on what really mattered. Oh, and things are really lonely here, but that's nothing new; I've just realized it sucks when you're attached to people in anyway, rather than just being a relatively simple part of life to deal with.
General Mental State, aside from emotions: Not in utter chaos so much as just being confused and frustrated. I haven't really had a day to really sit down and relax and do whatever I want to because we've been so busy, or when we're @ home, I'm incredibly bored, am in NO mood to do anything musical (gasp), and don't have anyone to really hang with. Plus, there's not really anything to do around here, since Lansing is no L.A. As I've said, I know I'm being a DQ and most likely making shit about nothing, but I feel like I have no control over anything right now.
I'm freaking about my recital because I don't think I'll be ready in time, so then I panic and am in no state to practice because of panicking and not feeling up to the challenge. I'm freaking about my studio project because nothing is done yet and I'm not even sure what pieces I can confidently say will be on the final cut because of copyrights, etc., and getting the arrangments done and working, not to mention actually recording them. I'm thinking this will end up being an EP, as opposed to a 12-track, full-length album. My goal is to scale back on everything that's not directly related to my musical endeavors this coming term, so I can get where I need to be and make sure I have no regrets in that area. So, after a taste of a quite eventful social life and having things go crazy w/ my best friend in all sorts of ways, I think the best solution is to just scale back and finish this school year w/ the least amount of possible distractions. Granted, habits are hard to break, but hell, it's worth the try. But, of course, looking the opposite direction and just seeing how my luck usually runs, this will be the wrong idea or I'll take it too far somehow and more drama will surely follow and more confusion will set in. I really don't want my friendships to suffer, but sometimes I can't help but think that they're what got me into this mess in some way - had I not let people in so closely and quickly, I think life would've been simpler in a lot of ways. I just don't understand that if music is my passion, what I love more than anything in this life, then why do I let other things get in the way? Why is it that I let a man, particularly a love interest in the way of working on my ultimate goals? Why is it I'm even sitting here writing all of this BS and not working on reeds, writing program notes, researching that Berio piece, studying/practicing, or arranging/writing? And damn it, why do certain things hurt SO much? I'm so lost as to why I feel like I can't make sense out of anything anymore.
So there it is. That's how I really feel @ the current moment. Maybe I'm just tired, not feeling well, and not thinking straight, or maybe that's how I really feel and it's finally come out. Oh, and where the flying fuck is the COLD weather and SNOW & ICE?!
So, how am I feeling? Here's a breakdown:
Physically: Exhausted. The last week has been quite busy, which has been nice for a change, but I wish I had a private place to work out - I'm surrounded by family 24/7, which means no privacy and no one to work out with that I'd feel comfortable with, as well as no strong, stable support for it. Even though it's warm (for Michigan in December - it was fucking 53 degrees today...) outside, I was freezing in a sweatshirt and jeans last night on the couch and then was really warm today when it was raining. Plus, my eating and sleeping are still wacky...
Emotionally: Drained, confused, but numb for the most part. I'm really tired of feeling anything and I've really noticed that I've become SOOOOOOO much more emotional than in the past, as well as not having as good of control over my emotions, as well. It seems like everything is now routed to my right hemisphere and then my left, which has totally turned me into a huge drama queen. Ideally, the perfect balance would be letting my emotions show only when I'm doing something musical, but still letting the analytical, rational side of me have precidence, regardless. Perhaps I was better off before this term, when I was more focused on what really mattered. Oh, and things are really lonely here, but that's nothing new; I've just realized it sucks when you're attached to people in anyway, rather than just being a relatively simple part of life to deal with.
General Mental State, aside from emotions: Not in utter chaos so much as just being confused and frustrated. I haven't really had a day to really sit down and relax and do whatever I want to because we've been so busy, or when we're @ home, I'm incredibly bored, am in NO mood to do anything musical (gasp), and don't have anyone to really hang with. Plus, there's not really anything to do around here, since Lansing is no L.A. As I've said, I know I'm being a DQ and most likely making shit about nothing, but I feel like I have no control over anything right now.
I'm freaking about my recital because I don't think I'll be ready in time, so then I panic and am in no state to practice because of panicking and not feeling up to the challenge. I'm freaking about my studio project because nothing is done yet and I'm not even sure what pieces I can confidently say will be on the final cut because of copyrights, etc., and getting the arrangments done and working, not to mention actually recording them. I'm thinking this will end up being an EP, as opposed to a 12-track, full-length album. My goal is to scale back on everything that's not directly related to my musical endeavors this coming term, so I can get where I need to be and make sure I have no regrets in that area. So, after a taste of a quite eventful social life and having things go crazy w/ my best friend in all sorts of ways, I think the best solution is to just scale back and finish this school year w/ the least amount of possible distractions. Granted, habits are hard to break, but hell, it's worth the try. But, of course, looking the opposite direction and just seeing how my luck usually runs, this will be the wrong idea or I'll take it too far somehow and more drama will surely follow and more confusion will set in. I really don't want my friendships to suffer, but sometimes I can't help but think that they're what got me into this mess in some way - had I not let people in so closely and quickly, I think life would've been simpler in a lot of ways. I just don't understand that if music is my passion, what I love more than anything in this life, then why do I let other things get in the way? Why is it that I let a man, particularly a love interest in the way of working on my ultimate goals? Why is it I'm even sitting here writing all of this BS and not working on reeds, writing program notes, researching that Berio piece, studying/practicing, or arranging/writing? And damn it, why do certain things hurt SO much? I'm so lost as to why I feel like I can't make sense out of anything anymore.
So there it is. That's how I really feel @ the current moment. Maybe I'm just tired, not feeling well, and not thinking straight, or maybe that's how I really feel and it's finally come out. Oh, and where the flying fuck is the COLD weather and SNOW & ICE?!
posted by CW at 8:30 PM
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