Frustrated

In the world of Chris, things are pretty normal, if normal is what you can call it. My 2nd(!) lesson was yesterday and it went well. The only thing that bugs me is the fact that the things I practice, like the A# - B interval and going over the break w/ the half-hole, don't always come out the way I want them to. However, to counter that, Allan says he's very happy w/ the progress I've made and thinks I'm in good shape and to keep up the hard work. That's always reassuring to hear. I feel more dedicated this year, in a way, and I also feel that I've improved a little, in all aspects. The only thing now that's really pissing me off is my intonation - I've always prided myself for being in tune, but lately, I'm either sharp or flat - It seemed like I didn't have as many or any problems @ Idyllwild, but now that I'm at school, things are different and I can't seem to figure out why. I know my pitch center is still in limbo from going from 440 to 442 and then back again, and that my reeds may have a part of it, but it's still confusing. Regardless, I'll just have to keep working on it and do my best. It just...irks me...Having said all that, that makes my ensemble playing really sucky @ this current time, which isn't the best thing...
W/ regards to my last entry, I still feel a little confused though, on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. While sitting in the reed room working on reeds and practicing and going to class in general is good and sometimes really fun and such, I sometimes feel so...discouraged and like this isn't what I want to do; like I need to take time off, find myself, get settled down w/ a SOLID foundation of funds and ideas of what I want to do and who I am, and THEN go to school and work them out. The only problem is that I don't want to move back to Michigan and live @ home. But, that's the only alternative I see, if I were to choose that path, and then I'd probably never get back out here to school. A lose-lose situation...and, I don't think I'd be able to leave everything I'm muscially involved with and not see Allan and study w/ him for a year, or however long it took. I know he'd be so disappointed, but would want me to do the right thing. So, I really have no idea what the hell to do. I have my ideas and dreams in my head for the future, both far, intermediate, and present, but at the same time, I feel that they're not worth it, I'm not good enough to acheive them, and that I'm too much of an idealist rather than a realist. For now, I guess all I can do is just see how this semester goes and play it by ear and just try and cope w/ myself. As far as dreams go, I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth trying for the ultimate goal of being a recording artist on a major label, creating and performing my own music. Maybe I should just quit music and do something useful and become like every other boring, soccer-mom American...

Regarding the job situation, well, let's just say it's a sore situation. I really need to go back and ask about my applications, but that requires gas in the car, and I'm already low (damn oil industry!! HELLO!! ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCES THAT ARE CLEANER, MORE RELIABLE, AND CHEAPER!! ARE WE THAT STUPID?), and that requires money I don't have. So, we'll see what happens...With everything I just said in the previous paragraph and w/ this, I'm just ready to quit. Really, I am. I feel like I have no foundation, which isn't a very good feeling.

So, I'm in the limbo w/ my moods right now; I'm actually calm and collected, as I'm sure most of this post makes some sense, but I'm also frustrated at the things listed above. Like I said, I really have no idea what the hell to do anymore.