Another bitchy post.

Alrighty. I should be practicing my ass off right now or doing something equally productive. But, right now, I just want to kick something and give up for a bit. Lately, I've been in quite the bitch-tastic mood and I really don't know why - I have theories, but no real, logical explanation. To make things even worse, I have really don't have any reason to feel this way - I have a few gigs coming up, I got a new student (I think), I have reed sales, and some concerts coming up. I have an amazing new oboe, a fixed computer, and have made some great friends around here. I also got a new car. So, why the hell am I so down lately?

Today's practice session (it wasn't even that) was a disaster. I think I've learned now that I can't practice in the practice room when tons of other people are doing it at the same time. If it's a bit quieter, sure. But, when the pianist next door is banging out showtunes, and everyone else is seemingly playing quadruple forte, it's hard to even hear yourself think, let alone hear the metronome. So, I guess it's practicing at home for me. Which is probably better - I can really relax, not worry about people hearing me, and have all of my stuff there. I also have peace and quiet. Aside from not being able to concentrate, I was just a mess, playing-wise. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, from playing etudes to music, to keeping a good amount of control on the reed. Granted, I'd just worked on reeds for about an hour or so, but still. Oy. Sometimes, I really wish I played the flute or piano. As much as I don't like practicing, I like to do it when I get things done and hear improvement. With the China audition coming up next Thursday, I really need to step it up. But, changing a lot about your embouchure and reedmaking doesn't make for a happy Chris, even though it's all for the best. I really don't want to buy another shaper tip/handle, particularly after I spent around $300 on that stuff last year.

Gr. Enough with bitching about music and oboe. Personally, things just keep going up and down. I feel like a man w/out a country, socially. I have friends, but none of them are around a lot to hang with. School friends, I can understand. Others, not so much. I mean, I get that friendship is give and take, but I often feel like I'm giving more than taking, and it really bugs me. But, whatev. I guess that's what you get for being different than everyone else your age in a lot of ways and having older friends who are married and have real lives. And are straight. But, even the gay ones have normal lives. And, my other friends my age who are out of state are impossibly difficult to get ahold of. Ay. Perhaps this is a lesson in learning how to be more self-sufficient and prioritize. Maybe friends aren't that important as everyone says. If friendships are any indication of people's priorities, then I'm not so sure I should even let myself venture into thinking about more romantic things. The more time goes on, the more I think I'm just not meant for a lot of things that most people are/have, etc. It's an exciting possibility that there maybe something better and more enviable (to others) than what the norm is, but it's also maddening to try and figure out what that is. People my age are under a lot of pressure to try and be productive members of society, but with seemingly no help from anyone; not to get political, but it's like we're left to clean up everyone else's messes and not make a mess doing so.

Yeah, I know. I'm always cynical, critical, bitchy, unhappy, etc. But, ya know what? I don't really care what you think of that. Try living in my head for a day and you'll see. Believe it or not, I have things I enjoy, but the majority of them are out of my reach right now, mainly due to money or time constraints. So, it's a fucking catch-22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So, the last thing I need to get off my chest right now is my family issues. I don't know how to explain it, but it's so maddening. I'll just say that my father is an enabler, my mother is a case unto herself, and I'm the only one who seemingly thinks that something needs to be done, yet, of course, have no way to make anything happen that'll really make a difference. We all work hard and are tired, yet, priorities are so fucked up. I don't get it. One thing I've learned from my parents via experiences of dealing with them is that if you want something done, done well/right/on time, do it yourself. If it's that important to you, just do it - it's quicker than waiting for someone else to do so. If I didn't care about them and love them so much, I'd have given up on them by now. Oy. I constantly remind them that they're not the only people who are old, with similar issues, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. I wish they could just see the big picture and do something about it. THE biggest pet peeve of mine is how they say they'll do something and not follow-through for whatever reason. Even though it's a legit reason, sickness and fatigue gets old. Go to the doctor or something. There are ways to fix things, ya know. Argh.

I feel stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. I have so much going for me, but, momentarily, just don't care and am totally unmotivated by it all. I just don't care. I know I'll probably think differently when I get some more coffee and food in me, but damn. I gotta get this out. Either that, or I need to get laid.