Huh?
Blah. Why has this week been so weird? Like last night, I'm once again feeling very lonely and not knowing why - I've spent plenty of time w/ my friends this last week, so my social side should be fine - even walking through the mall tonight didn't bear as much fun as it has in the past. Grr...
Plus, my car is acting so weirdly and that's very frustrating, as it was supposed to have been given a thorough tune-up before being shipped out here...so, why does it sound like my belts are slipping, the idling is rough and it runs roughly in general?
In mental news, I feel like I have no work ethic - like everything I do is just a habit and there's really no commitment to what I'm doing. This ties into what I was saying about my musicality last night - it just doesn't make sense. I feel so lazy; I mean, I know I'm a procrastinator a lot of the time, but still, why doesn't it feel wrong, like it did last year? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Grr... Maybe this also has to do with me just wanting to "live" and not worry about school or anything; just work and come home and do nothing. I mean, a lot of people do it, so what's to worry about? I suddenly feel like what I want isn't worth going after, and that my dreams are shit and just that; dreams and fantasies that won't come true. Plus, all of these mood swings are driving me insane - I can't handle all this! And if this is life, then maybe I'm not cut out for it yet - maybe I don't want to live @ all yet. @ this point, life can go fuck itself!
I'm not enjoying my critical studies class (Mesh of Civilizations: Islam Culture & the West) @ all. It's totally NOT what I expected, or wanted, and it pisses me off, as I can't get out of it and the only thing that makes sense is the fact that I'm doing my final paper on Islamic music. I really wish Vicky Stevens was here this year and that I was taking one of her psychology classes. I really enjoyed her class last year, learned a lot, and was hoping to take all of them, if I could. Granted, there was some work, but @ least it was work that made sense and was a good challenge - not too hard, but not too easy - it made you analyze the material in a good way. (Sigh) I hope I get @ least a pass in my current class...
To top it all off, I just feel shitty - not ill, but mentally, I feel shitty. I don't really know how to describe it, but lately, I just feel like sleeping and not waking up...
So, as one can see, I'm pretty fucked up and don't know what to do about it. Or, maybe I'm just making huge dramas out of everything and not knowing it. AHHH!! I just wish I had some guidance and help so I can make the most of this semester (and the rest of the school year, for that matter). I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW, ANYMORE!! I'M TIRED OF ANALYZING EVERYTHING I DO...
Plus, my car is acting so weirdly and that's very frustrating, as it was supposed to have been given a thorough tune-up before being shipped out here...so, why does it sound like my belts are slipping, the idling is rough and it runs roughly in general?
In mental news, I feel like I have no work ethic - like everything I do is just a habit and there's really no commitment to what I'm doing. This ties into what I was saying about my musicality last night - it just doesn't make sense. I feel so lazy; I mean, I know I'm a procrastinator a lot of the time, but still, why doesn't it feel wrong, like it did last year? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Grr... Maybe this also has to do with me just wanting to "live" and not worry about school or anything; just work and come home and do nothing. I mean, a lot of people do it, so what's to worry about? I suddenly feel like what I want isn't worth going after, and that my dreams are shit and just that; dreams and fantasies that won't come true. Plus, all of these mood swings are driving me insane - I can't handle all this! And if this is life, then maybe I'm not cut out for it yet - maybe I don't want to live @ all yet. @ this point, life can go fuck itself!
I'm not enjoying my critical studies class (Mesh of Civilizations: Islam Culture & the West) @ all. It's totally NOT what I expected, or wanted, and it pisses me off, as I can't get out of it and the only thing that makes sense is the fact that I'm doing my final paper on Islamic music. I really wish Vicky Stevens was here this year and that I was taking one of her psychology classes. I really enjoyed her class last year, learned a lot, and was hoping to take all of them, if I could. Granted, there was some work, but @ least it was work that made sense and was a good challenge - not too hard, but not too easy - it made you analyze the material in a good way. (Sigh) I hope I get @ least a pass in my current class...
To top it all off, I just feel shitty - not ill, but mentally, I feel shitty. I don't really know how to describe it, but lately, I just feel like sleeping and not waking up...
So, as one can see, I'm pretty fucked up and don't know what to do about it. Or, maybe I'm just making huge dramas out of everything and not knowing it. AHHH!! I just wish I had some guidance and help so I can make the most of this semester (and the rest of the school year, for that matter). I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW, ANYMORE!! I'M TIRED OF ANALYZING EVERYTHING I DO...
posted by CW at 8:21 PM
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