Late Post

Okay, here's a post from this past Friday. Would've been up sooner (or, that night), but I've been busy. One word about this: can we say MOOD SWINGS!!


Friday, Jan. 26
Music: Anthony Starble

I’m sitting here in the control room of the studio w/ Anthony, Blake, Sydne, and Adam, listening to some of Anthony’s music that he recorded. The boy has a great talent for songwriting and piano and has a great voice, too. I hope he’s successful someday. I miss being in here doing my own stuff. I really wish I could be in here everyday doing stuff. Or, @ least had the time to write and arrange stuff.
The day or so has been okay - it always seems I have a decent amount of energy in the beginning and middle of the day, and then it’s sapped towards the end and I start feeling really awful. I really hope this drug kicks in soon - I thought I was feeling some of the effects, but I don’t know. However, life in general just sucks right now. I really wish I didn’t have this recital to concern me and that my parents were just coming out to visit for a few days (like we have that kind of money). I know everyone will be saying to look for the good things in everyday, but when your general state of mind feels hopeless, lost, and shitty, it’s really hard to do that.
I think I’m abandoning all hope of ever being a sexual being and/or being desirable for anything other than a good musician. Beethoven himself went through a depression where he realized he’d never marry and even considered suicide. Granted, I’m not that far gone, but still, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in some way Regardless, I think the last time I’ll get laid for a loooong time is during spring break w/ Rob, and, as far as anything regarding a relationship beyond friendship is concerned, I refuse to let myself enter into that world of drama, trouble, and insecurities anymore. It’s just really not for me and I need to get over that fact.
In this long, laborious process of trying to get back to myself, I need to spend more time alone, w/ myself, as well as w/ the oboe like I did last year - if I want to play Vivaldi, Pasculli, and Silvestrini next year for my graduation recital, I need to kick some serious oboe ass. Music should be my real focus right now. I think I was better off when I didn’t have a social life, or, @ least as big of one.

Ooops

I forgot to add that Adam and I are now going to the YMCA together - our goal is to be the hottest male oboists someday...hehehe. Anyhoo, today was my last day of interim stuff, THANK GOD, so, hopefully, a more organized schedule can take place.

More later.

Finally, an update....

Music: Enya

Exactly a month has gone by, so it's high time for an update, eh? To make a long story short, the rest of break went very well, and I really didn't want to come back to Los Angeles. I'm still a bit homesick, but w/ the 'rents coming out next weekend for my recital, I hope that some of that will be cured. I managed to have 2 amazing lessons w/ Dr. King, both chock full of great music/oboe stuff and personal advice. She's so amazing! And, I also managed to catch both a sinus infection and the local stomach virus that was going around the community @ the same damn time, so I spent a good week being sick, as well as that stupid swelling of my gumline after the visit to the dentist. Let the lesson here be that stress is awful for you. Gretchen also mentioned that when one suddenly is removed from all of the helter-skelter and nothing is going on, everything can come crashing down, literally. So, knowing my luck, I'll have this to look forward to in the future...yay. Matt and I had some great times together and I don't know what I'd do w/out him there as my best friend. He's definitely a catch and, @ times, I'm jealous of Courtney. I also got a new computer (on which this post is being created), as my Dell died. So, a lovely new MacBook is in my possession and I LOVE IT!! (Insert Kim here) I just need Finale and to figure out how to completely work GarageBand and I'll be all set.

In school, things are okay. I dropped a critical studies class today so I'm not so overwhelmed w/ work, leaving me w/ 4 CS classes, which will catch me up to where I need to be, as well as getting me back on the BFA degree instead of Certificate...grrrr. Anyhoo, 16.5 units should be more than enough this semester. Musically, things are going pretty okay. I recently had some studio time that went very well and my first lesson went well, too. Now, if I can make it through my recital w/out passing out or making a complete ass out of myself, that'll be great. I'm also performing the Hummel w/ the youth orch. in April, so there's that to look forward to as well. Being busy is a good thing, and I must constantly remind myself of that if I'm to remain sane. This is what I've always wanted, so I shouldn't be complaining. I just hope I can focus more this semester.

Personally, things are...I'm not sure. I'm on an antidepressant and I'm not sure how to judge anything. For example, yesterday was a very good day - I actually felt good about everything and was happy. Today, on the other hand, the only thing I feel I accomplished was successfully cleaning/reorganizing my room, making a few reeds, and filling my car up before it ran out of gas. However, I felt totally shitty. I really wish these damn mood swings would stop. I'm most definitely setting up an appt. w/ Linda tomorrow, because I can't go on the way I have been. My friends are noticing (but, who doesn't these days - I've lost my touch of keeping a straight face about anything) and that's not a good thing. When other people can figure me out before I can, or before I ask for assistance, something has definitely gone wrong.

In the land of my heart, I'm not sure what to say, except that things just suck. For some reason (as always), it doesn't matter whether I'm around him or not - something on some level always hurts, no matter what. However, it varies, which makes it even more confusing. Sometimes it's just lust and sexual urges, while other times, it's not being able to take him into my arms and tell him how much I love him, how much I care, how if he asked me for anything, I would do it, and how I would even raise a child w/ him. I know, it's ridiculously sacchrine and un-Chris, but as I'm told, feelings are irrational and uncontrollable, which is not cool w/ me - I'm supposed to have control of my life to as much extent as I can, and feelings shouldn't be an exception, particularly when I possess the knowledge that they're worthless and the ultimate desire isn't to come to fruition @ the the current time. So, as we can see, I'm definitely in need of some serious pyschiatric help. I just feel as though when I was home, I was just getting back on my feet and feeling somewhat like myself again, and then I'm thrown right back into everything that was stressing me in the beginning. Such is life, but still; I don't think I'm strong enough to handle all of this - if one looks back to the summer of 2005, particularly July, it's almost a repeat of the same romantic drama that occured between Doug and I, except those feelings weren't as strong as these are. I really want to just scream and cry sometimes @ the mess I've made of my life - everything I've striven to not become, I have: a drama queen, overly emotional, vulnerable, out-of-control of my life, and unfocused in my art. More often than not, I find myself missing the times when I didn't have any close friends here and I was on my own, focusing solely on myself and the oboe. However, I refuse to let people down that I'm close to, so dropping friends and disregarding their friendship is out of the question. It's just so fucking hard to deal w/ sometimes.

In conclusion, I feel really lost - like an explorer lost in the Antarctic w/ no knowledge of the area @ all or any survival skills. Granted, the advice that's been given to me has helped, but I feel like I'm @ the just the tip of the glacier and that even though everyone thinks I'll be fine, they don't know that I'm really scared and not ready to deal w/ this. AHHH!!
Anyhoo, it's time for sleep. I really need some wine right now.