brain? what's that?

So, I think my funk is passing. I sure hope it is - I'd like to be myself, again. Tonight @ rehearsal it was like a totally different person - I was fucking up things I never have and things that were easy. I had shitty reeds (the best one cracked!! NO!!!) and felt completely removed from my normal oboe personna. Not a good feeling and very disconcerting. Ugh.

I really should be in bed, but I can't shut my brain off. I really wish my mind and body would be able to meet up someday - it rarely happens. Perhaps I should look into neurofeedback and start the path to bettering myself, step by step. But, fuck. Oy. Everything in this world costs money, which I have barely any of. I have enough to get by on, but not enough to live independently. But, more on this shit later (a whole other, boring post).

Silence is a wonderful thing. I find myself drawn to it more and more these days. I LOVE listening to music (one of the perks of my job), but sometimes, I just like quiet. No notes. No voices. No feeling jealous of someone else. Just. Quiet. Time for the audio part of the brain to chill. I love sitting here at night (like now) listening to the traffic and crickets. It just works. Too bad it's not on the chilly side for it to be really comfy. But, it's so peaceful, regardless. Maybe a performance of 4'33 is in order sometime...

I have so many random thoughts running around my tired brain it's hard to concentrate and write. I'm making an attempt to do a brain dump and it's not really working as well as I'd hoped. In general, my posts tend to be long, but I have a lot to talk about. And, in a place like this, why not? I have PLENTY to talk about, but half of it I'm always thinking about (music, sex, men, life, etc.) and the other half is random/current/event-oriented. But, I think getting back into this blogging habit is a good thing.

Quintet - I think we're coming along - I don't like how inconsistent our rehearsals are, though. It can be really confusing to hear improvements. Perhaps these and some other issues are just teething issues with a relatively "new" group. I'd really like this to go somewhere - I've spent a lot of time and energy on other stuff besides playing, and it would be nice to see that come to fruition. It would be great to see something through to the end, per say, and get some compensation and know that it's worth it and possible to get an audience or whatever.

I'm so impatient with things that I need to patient with and patient with things that probably don't care - I don't understand this dichotemy. I can be patient waiting for something right in front of me, yet not something I can't see. Is this an age thing?

Blah. I think I'm done rambling for now. It's a good thing that the people who read this know that I'm usually much more "put together" in real life than on here.