The new year is here, and hopefully, will bring many more memorable moments. Time flies. I've said it before and will say it again. I feel old. Not really, but slightly. Like, where the hell is my life going?
I'm so happy that this last term is behind me. Talk about a time of transition. So far, UM is everything I'd hoped, but also a lot of things I'd hoped it wouldn't be. Oboe-wise, I love it. Dr. King is amazing and still remains my reason for being here and a major inspiration. The studio is full of wonderful people, all very different in good ways, and fantastic players. I feel very fortunate to be in the midst of such good people. The players here are great and the overall level of musicianship is so high that it is a good challenge to try and keep up. It's also a challenge to try and stay true (and, maybe find) to one's self. The attitude here can be a bit stuffy and in the box, but I suppose that's what comes with a larger university, particularly one of this caliber and reputation. I can't say enough how much this place is the total antithesis of CalArts, which, of course, is both a good and awful thing.
This term is VERY playing heavy for me, which is great, as I feel I need the experience and opportunities. I'm currently in Concert Band, a trio, a student group that's not affiliated w/ credit and such, the double reed ensemble, as well as the CMS quintet and the 2 community groups, though the music is getting more challenging and worthwhile in those, so it's an interesting balance. There is some amazing repertoire going on and I'm happy to be a part of that, regardless of what anyone says.
Now, the elephant in the room. Money. I really fucking hate money. I have no job right now, outside of selling the occasional reed(s) and the lesser often gig. I was counting on this job from a coffeeshop, but it didn't work out. Oh well. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but, at at 24, almost 25, it's getting REALLY FUCKING OLD AND ANNOYING when you're constantly borrowing money from your parents who are already in debt because of you and your (silly) dreams and ambitions of wanting to be a musician and only studying w/ the best. There are times, well, make that all the time, that I feel like I will never be able to support myself financially, much the less live on my own and have my own life. I'm ready to put in applications @ all the fast food joints and take whatever they give me. Right now, I can't even keep the minimum balance in my checking account and I'm wondering if I was really doing the right thing, auditioning for grad school this time last year and committing to go, particularly leaving a full-time job w/ benefits. Oy. Everyone tells me to not "settle" for a job in fast food and what not, but you know what? Money is money. If it pays, it's worth it. Not for the rest of one's life, mind you, but if it pays the rent for the time being and keeps you out of the red, why not. Who's to say I'm any better than the next guy struggling to make ends meet while ringing up burgers and fries? This whole situation is quite humbling, almost to a point of me not wanting to do anything social anymore out of pure embarrassment of my situation. Looking for someone to blame for this mess has grown tiresome and pointless, and I feel like this is all my fault - that I didn't listen to my parents in high school and some of undergrad when they told me to get a job. "If I could turn back time...if I could find a way..." Cher has it right...
So. Money problems aside, I'm doing reasonably well. I'm moving on campus into grad housing in about a week or so. That in itself is a bit crazy, but a good thing. It'll be nice to be out of the house, on my own, and finally, have some sense of being an adult. Once I get settled, I'm going to get back to the gym - I desperately need to get back into shape and not be a fatty anymore - as the saying goes, "Boys don't make passes @ boys w/ fat asses..." This is supposed to be my prime and I'll be damned if I let anymore of it get away. My plan is to have a cardio-oriented workout if possible, with the strength training thrown in to balance out. I'd really like to wear ALL of my clothes again and be comfortable/look good in them. I guess the test is whether or not I can comfortably play a concert in them. And, for once, I'd like to look @ myself in the mirror, naked, and be happy w/ what I see. I'd like to say, "Hell, yes, I'd fuck that in a heartbeat."
Back to music for a bit: my involvement w/ the community groups is interesting. With band, there are 3 other oboes, all at the same level. We're doing sectionals which are helping and I think with time, things are going to get very good. The goal is for them NOT to need me there all the time. Since Red Cedar is coming up, I'm going to be pushing harder and asking much more that I usually would. I feel that the potential is there and the willing spirits and dedication are as well, so we'll see how this turns out. I'm also dedicating time to marketing and merching this festival - I have really good skills in these areas and most of what I'm doing now and will be presenting as ideas are really just common sense and a matter of knowing what people want and being able to give them that for a decent price that will be beneficial to the band. I'm thinking that I need to take a marketing or advertising class soon...I have an genuine interest in it and it's definitely something that would be worthwhile. And yes, I have the time, energy, and resources for this. I know my limits and strengths and am only playing to those by doing this, so things should work out.
Booyah. Long time, no update. I know. Things got busy and I got tired of bitching. Life isn't THAT bad, but right now, it's not the greatest. I miss the good 'ole days @ CalArts.
