Help.

I'm tired of people. I'd like to say that I was more mature and that I knew that this is what life is about, etc., blah, blah, blah. But, I can't. I get annoyed @ the little differences in everyone. I hate when people play games. I hate when people, including myself, make mistakes. I hate when people, who should be doing way the hell better @ life than I, fuck up. I hate when people say one thing and mean another. I HATE rejection, though I should be used to it by now.

I'd also like to say that I'm not judgmental. But, I am. Sometimes, it's really awful. Other times, I feel like I really get how people think. If there was one thing I wish would change about my life, it's that I wish it were way more consistent. I wish I could find more like-minded people to be around on a regular basis.

Venting continues. Gay men of late have been royally pissing me off. It's mainly the stuck-up, self-righteous bastards who look down on people who like to have casual sex and fuck buddies. If anyone should know any ONE thing about life, it's that attitude is everything. And, if you're a prissy fag, sorry, you aren't going to get that masculine guy you're looking for. If he wanted a priss, he'd be fucking straight, dumbfuck...gay life is SO full of illusions (cue the song, "Shattered Illusions"), pretention, and unattainable fantasies, it's amazing how people survive. Part of me wants to be part of the elite gays, who have looks, money, everything. The other part says "fuck off to all you lucky bastards." Gah. Life wouldn't be one lick easier if I was straight. Suck it up, sister...

Rejection sucks. In every possible way. I wonder if experience makes it any easier to bear.

Ugh. Sometimes, I wonder how I'm EVER going to make it past 30, if I make it that far. I can't stand myself about 50% of the time, and that's not a comforting thought.

K. 314

It's just before studio (like, 14 minutes, to be completely exact). I wrote my cadenza today in about an hour and have it all printed out and everything. I'm pretty happy with it and I'm really surprised that I managed to pull one out that quick that doesn't sound that bad. But, I'm not a fan of huge, run-on cadenzas that sound more like an etude and composition/theory exercise. We all get to play them in studio today, so it will be interesting to hear what everyone else has come up with.

So, I'm trying to shed some of this negative energy that constantly consumes me and such. Oy. It's hard to always try and see things half full and sunny. But, damn it, I'm going to try.

So, anyhoo, that's it - oh, and I love the hot men at school. I wish I could be the music school slut for all men, gay and straight. heck, at least I'd get to know people and we'd both have a good time.

A New Day Has Come...

The new year is here, and hopefully, will bring many more memorable moments. Time flies. I've said it before and will say it again. I feel old. Not really, but slightly. Like, where the hell is my life going?

I'm so happy that this last term is behind me. Talk about a time of transition. So far, UM is everything I'd hoped, but also a lot of things I'd hoped it wouldn't be. Oboe-wise, I love it. Dr. King is amazing and still remains my reason for being here and a major inspiration. The studio is full of wonderful people, all very different in good ways, and fantastic players. I feel very fortunate to be in the midst of such good people. The players here are great and the overall level of musicianship is so high that it is a good challenge to try and keep up. It's also a challenge to try and stay true (and, maybe find) to one's self. The attitude here can be a bit stuffy and in the box, but I suppose that's what comes with a larger university, particularly one of this caliber and reputation. I can't say enough how much this place is the total antithesis of CalArts, which, of course, is both a good and awful thing.

This term is VERY playing heavy for me, which is great, as I feel I need the experience and opportunities. I'm currently in Concert Band, a trio, a student group that's not affiliated w/ credit and such, the double reed ensemble, as well as the CMS quintet and the 2 community groups, though the music is getting more challenging and worthwhile in those, so it's an interesting balance. There is some amazing repertoire going on and I'm happy to be a part of that, regardless of what anyone says.

Now, the elephant in the room. Money. I really fucking hate money. I have no job right now, outside of selling the occasional reed(s) and the lesser often gig. I was counting on this job from a coffeeshop, but it didn't work out. Oh well. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but, at at 24, almost 25, it's getting REALLY FUCKING OLD AND ANNOYING when you're constantly borrowing money from your parents who are already in debt because of you and your (silly) dreams and ambitions of wanting to be a musician and only studying w/ the best. There are times, well, make that all the time, that I feel like I will never be able to support myself financially, much the less live on my own and have my own life. I'm ready to put in applications @ all the fast food joints and take whatever they give me. Right now, I can't even keep the minimum balance in my checking account and I'm wondering if I was really doing the right thing, auditioning for grad school this time last year and committing to go, particularly leaving a full-time job w/ benefits. Oy. Everyone tells me to not "settle" for a job in fast food and what not, but you know what? Money is money. If it pays, it's worth it. Not for the rest of one's life, mind you, but if it pays the rent for the time being and keeps you out of the red, why not. Who's to say I'm any better than the next guy struggling to make ends meet while ringing up burgers and fries? This whole situation is quite humbling, almost to a point of me not wanting to do anything social anymore out of pure embarrassment of my situation. Looking for someone to blame for this mess has grown tiresome and pointless, and I feel like this is all my fault - that I didn't listen to my parents in high school and some of undergrad when they told me to get a job. "If I could turn back time...if I could find a way..." Cher has it right...

So. Money problems aside, I'm doing reasonably well. I'm moving on campus into grad housing in about a week or so. That in itself is a bit crazy, but a good thing. It'll be nice to be out of the house, on my own, and finally, have some sense of being an adult. Once I get settled, I'm going to get back to the gym - I desperately need to get back into shape and not be a fatty anymore - as the saying goes, "Boys don't make passes @ boys w/ fat asses..." This is supposed to be my prime and I'll be damned if I let anymore of it get away. My plan is to have a cardio-oriented workout if possible, with the strength training thrown in to balance out. I'd really like to wear ALL of my clothes again and be comfortable/look good in them. I guess the test is whether or not I can comfortably play a concert in them. And, for once, I'd like to look @ myself in the mirror, naked, and be happy w/ what I see. I'd like to say, "Hell, yes, I'd fuck that in a heartbeat."

Back to music for a bit: my involvement w/ the community groups is interesting. With band, there are 3 other oboes, all at the same level. We're doing sectionals which are helping and I think with time, things are going to get very good. The goal is for them NOT to need me there all the time. Since Red Cedar is coming up, I'm going to be pushing harder and asking much more that I usually would. I feel that the potential is there and the willing spirits and dedication are as well, so we'll see how this turns out. I'm also dedicating time to marketing and merching this festival - I have really good skills in these areas and most of what I'm doing now and will be presenting as ideas are really just common sense and a matter of knowing what people want and being able to give them that for a decent price that will be beneficial to the band. I'm thinking that I need to take a marketing or advertising class soon...I have an genuine interest in it and it's definitely something that would be worthwhile. And yes, I have the time, energy, and resources for this. I know my limits and strengths and am only playing to those by doing this, so things should work out.

Booyah. Long time, no update. I know. Things got busy and I got tired of bitching. Life isn't THAT bad, but right now, it's not the greatest. I miss the good 'ole days @ CalArts.

This is a major bitch post, so pass if you're not up for it.

My confidence of late has taken a serious nosedive; as in, beyond what's normal for me. I honestly feel like I can't do anything right, no matter how hard I try, and there is no one to really lean on. I feel like I know what everyone is going to say and do, and it honestly would mean nothing to me. But, briefly put, here are the main reasons:

~ Quintessent Winds doesn't exist anymore...
~ My playing/reeds suck right now
~ Socially, I'm completely fucked
~ I really don't know if I should continue on this music path...

Fuck Lansing.

I would just like, for once, to have an audition go really well. One where I feel good, start to finish. One where I don't want to run off stage and cry after the first phrase of the Mozart concerto. Gah. As far as preparation, I feel like I get no where when I prepare well or when I don't. I'm so sick of auditions, excerpts, and the whole traditional oboe world right now. Why can't we just play the damn horn. Maybe I shouldn't be in school - maybe I'm meant to be a community player the rest of my life...who gets occasional gigs. Someone who has a day job...ick.

Gah. FML.

Another bitchy post.

Alrighty. I should be practicing my ass off right now or doing something equally productive. But, right now, I just want to kick something and give up for a bit. Lately, I've been in quite the bitch-tastic mood and I really don't know why - I have theories, but no real, logical explanation. To make things even worse, I have really don't have any reason to feel this way - I have a few gigs coming up, I got a new student (I think), I have reed sales, and some concerts coming up. I have an amazing new oboe, a fixed computer, and have made some great friends around here. I also got a new car. So, why the hell am I so down lately?

Today's practice session (it wasn't even that) was a disaster. I think I've learned now that I can't practice in the practice room when tons of other people are doing it at the same time. If it's a bit quieter, sure. But, when the pianist next door is banging out showtunes, and everyone else is seemingly playing quadruple forte, it's hard to even hear yourself think, let alone hear the metronome. So, I guess it's practicing at home for me. Which is probably better - I can really relax, not worry about people hearing me, and have all of my stuff there. I also have peace and quiet. Aside from not being able to concentrate, I was just a mess, playing-wise. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, from playing etudes to music, to keeping a good amount of control on the reed. Granted, I'd just worked on reeds for about an hour or so, but still. Oy. Sometimes, I really wish I played the flute or piano. As much as I don't like practicing, I like to do it when I get things done and hear improvement. With the China audition coming up next Thursday, I really need to step it up. But, changing a lot about your embouchure and reedmaking doesn't make for a happy Chris, even though it's all for the best. I really don't want to buy another shaper tip/handle, particularly after I spent around $300 on that stuff last year.

Gr. Enough with bitching about music and oboe. Personally, things just keep going up and down. I feel like a man w/out a country, socially. I have friends, but none of them are around a lot to hang with. School friends, I can understand. Others, not so much. I mean, I get that friendship is give and take, but I often feel like I'm giving more than taking, and it really bugs me. But, whatev. I guess that's what you get for being different than everyone else your age in a lot of ways and having older friends who are married and have real lives. And are straight. But, even the gay ones have normal lives. And, my other friends my age who are out of state are impossibly difficult to get ahold of. Ay. Perhaps this is a lesson in learning how to be more self-sufficient and prioritize. Maybe friends aren't that important as everyone says. If friendships are any indication of people's priorities, then I'm not so sure I should even let myself venture into thinking about more romantic things. The more time goes on, the more I think I'm just not meant for a lot of things that most people are/have, etc. It's an exciting possibility that there maybe something better and more enviable (to others) than what the norm is, but it's also maddening to try and figure out what that is. People my age are under a lot of pressure to try and be productive members of society, but with seemingly no help from anyone; not to get political, but it's like we're left to clean up everyone else's messes and not make a mess doing so.

Yeah, I know. I'm always cynical, critical, bitchy, unhappy, etc. But, ya know what? I don't really care what you think of that. Try living in my head for a day and you'll see. Believe it or not, I have things I enjoy, but the majority of them are out of my reach right now, mainly due to money or time constraints. So, it's a fucking catch-22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So, the last thing I need to get off my chest right now is my family issues. I don't know how to explain it, but it's so maddening. I'll just say that my father is an enabler, my mother is a case unto herself, and I'm the only one who seemingly thinks that something needs to be done, yet, of course, have no way to make anything happen that'll really make a difference. We all work hard and are tired, yet, priorities are so fucked up. I don't get it. One thing I've learned from my parents via experiences of dealing with them is that if you want something done, done well/right/on time, do it yourself. If it's that important to you, just do it - it's quicker than waiting for someone else to do so. If I didn't care about them and love them so much, I'd have given up on them by now. Oy. I constantly remind them that they're not the only people who are old, with similar issues, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. I wish they could just see the big picture and do something about it. THE biggest pet peeve of mine is how they say they'll do something and not follow-through for whatever reason. Even though it's a legit reason, sickness and fatigue gets old. Go to the doctor or something. There are ways to fix things, ya know. Argh.

I feel stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. I have so much going for me, but, momentarily, just don't care and am totally unmotivated by it all. I just don't care. I know I'll probably think differently when I get some more coffee and food in me, but damn. I gotta get this out. Either that, or I need to get laid.