Adam, this post is obviously for you. I don't know where to begin, so this will be quite scatterbrained and drama-queeny, but to hell w/ it. I think this is the last of everything that's bugging me, so here it is.
As you probably read in the recent post w/ the lists, one of my negatives was falling for you, and, in case it's not obvious enough (everyone else says it is - Sydne even said it was since the first day...), well, I have fallen and fallen hard. There's not much else to say except that I've NEVER had an attraction to anyone be this strong (not even for Doug, the violinist I told you about), so I'm totally confused, pissed, frustrated, depressed, and naive. I'll even open myself up as far as to say that there are times, more often than not, where, yes, I could feel totally comfortable and honest saying, "I love you" to you and meaning it 100%. I mean, what's not to like/love about you - you have an addicting personality, you're strong, confident, have a great outlook on life, are in control of where you're going, don't take yourself too seriously, and, damn it, you're so fucking physically beautiful. I could go on in a Shakespearean rave on that one... You also are pretty in control w/out being too dom, which is very appealing to me, personally.
As much as I roll my eyes @ you and your antics, you've got to know it's not so much out of annoyance, but out of amusement and liking you. You make me laugh, know how to make me feel better most of the time, always have good advice, and are an all around great guy. And, ironically, you're not the type of guy I would go for @ all, which also leaves me in wonder @ myself. My conversation w/ Chris about this whole situation was great in that he told me a lot that I didn't see, like that some attractions just don't make sense, like he and Tim, and that knowing me the way he does, it sorta does make sense as to why I like you so much; you're everything I'm not and that's where it starts - people generally are psychologically attracted to people that have qualities they don't. However, what keeps disturbing me is the fact that I don't know whether I want to be attracted to you or not. I don't want to fuck up what we have now and a good part of me is still saying that telling you all of this is a really bad idea. As much as Chris has told me I'm not crazy for liking you, I can't help feeling really awful about it since I the awkwardness of the situation is unavoidable, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. I've tried to let this and the fact that we're polar opposites in almost every aspect of our lives keep my attraction down, but to no avail. It appears to be working the complete opposite.
I've tried to let the things I don't like about you get to me enough to where they will be enough to persuade me to stop being attracted to you. I've tried pushing you away with insults, being bitchy and plain rude, and doing things that I think will make you not want to be around me, but, as you said tonight, you're still my friend. It really hurts and is depressing to be around you sometimes, knowing that we're really close, but that that invisible wall is there and there's not a snowball's chance in hell of anything close to a romantic relationship working out. Don't take this the wrong way, but I sometimes almost wish we'd never met. However, I can't imagine my life w/out you as my best friend now; regardless of how I feel about you, it will never change that I'll do anything for you and will try to be as good of a friend to you as you've been to me, though, you are a tough act to follow and I'm failing right now. What also makes this hard is that feeling this way is distracting in a lot of ways - working in a professional manner w/ you when we're not in the studio is hard since we're friends and I guess I expect a lot from my friends, both personally and professionally - probably too much.
With you being you, I also feel like I'd never be good enough for you or anyone else like you - as I've said, there are a lot of qualities you have that I admire and wish I had - they're some of the same things I try to have for myself, so it's safe to say that I'm jealous and envious of you - there's a love/hate relationship here too; I "love" you, but "hate" you for the same reasons I love you. I'm just annoyed that I'm not over you - I thought I was over you after the first 2 weeks of school and that life would go on and even though I thought you were really hot and a great friend, that's where it would stay, however, something in me has spoken otherwise. What makes this hard is that my realization of my feelings has been very sudden and very strong.
There's more to this issue, but I'm too tired to think of it right now and I think this is the bulk of it - it'll surely come up later, anyway. So, in short, I care about you VERY much - moreso than myself @ this point and really appreciate you being there for me when I feel like I'm ready to shoot myself. You really mean a lot to me and I don't know what to do or how to deal w/ this - I should be used to it, but this is beyond a simple case of lust and not really knowing the other person.
For now, that's it - you probably knew all of this anyway, but here it is from the horse's mouth, so to speak.
As you probably read in the recent post w/ the lists, one of my negatives was falling for you, and, in case it's not obvious enough (everyone else says it is - Sydne even said it was since the first day...), well, I have fallen and fallen hard. There's not much else to say except that I've NEVER had an attraction to anyone be this strong (not even for Doug, the violinist I told you about), so I'm totally confused, pissed, frustrated, depressed, and naive. I'll even open myself up as far as to say that there are times, more often than not, where, yes, I could feel totally comfortable and honest saying, "I love you" to you and meaning it 100%. I mean, what's not to like/love about you - you have an addicting personality, you're strong, confident, have a great outlook on life, are in control of where you're going, don't take yourself too seriously, and, damn it, you're so fucking physically beautiful. I could go on in a Shakespearean rave on that one... You also are pretty in control w/out being too dom, which is very appealing to me, personally.
As much as I roll my eyes @ you and your antics, you've got to know it's not so much out of annoyance, but out of amusement and liking you. You make me laugh, know how to make me feel better most of the time, always have good advice, and are an all around great guy. And, ironically, you're not the type of guy I would go for @ all, which also leaves me in wonder @ myself. My conversation w/ Chris about this whole situation was great in that he told me a lot that I didn't see, like that some attractions just don't make sense, like he and Tim, and that knowing me the way he does, it sorta does make sense as to why I like you so much; you're everything I'm not and that's where it starts - people generally are psychologically attracted to people that have qualities they don't. However, what keeps disturbing me is the fact that I don't know whether I want to be attracted to you or not. I don't want to fuck up what we have now and a good part of me is still saying that telling you all of this is a really bad idea. As much as Chris has told me I'm not crazy for liking you, I can't help feeling really awful about it since I the awkwardness of the situation is unavoidable, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. I've tried to let this and the fact that we're polar opposites in almost every aspect of our lives keep my attraction down, but to no avail. It appears to be working the complete opposite.
I've tried to let the things I don't like about you get to me enough to where they will be enough to persuade me to stop being attracted to you. I've tried pushing you away with insults, being bitchy and plain rude, and doing things that I think will make you not want to be around me, but, as you said tonight, you're still my friend. It really hurts and is depressing to be around you sometimes, knowing that we're really close, but that that invisible wall is there and there's not a snowball's chance in hell of anything close to a romantic relationship working out. Don't take this the wrong way, but I sometimes almost wish we'd never met. However, I can't imagine my life w/out you as my best friend now; regardless of how I feel about you, it will never change that I'll do anything for you and will try to be as good of a friend to you as you've been to me, though, you are a tough act to follow and I'm failing right now. What also makes this hard is that feeling this way is distracting in a lot of ways - working in a professional manner w/ you when we're not in the studio is hard since we're friends and I guess I expect a lot from my friends, both personally and professionally - probably too much.
With you being you, I also feel like I'd never be good enough for you or anyone else like you - as I've said, there are a lot of qualities you have that I admire and wish I had - they're some of the same things I try to have for myself, so it's safe to say that I'm jealous and envious of you - there's a love/hate relationship here too; I "love" you, but "hate" you for the same reasons I love you. I'm just annoyed that I'm not over you - I thought I was over you after the first 2 weeks of school and that life would go on and even though I thought you were really hot and a great friend, that's where it would stay, however, something in me has spoken otherwise. What makes this hard is that my realization of my feelings has been very sudden and very strong.
There's more to this issue, but I'm too tired to think of it right now and I think this is the bulk of it - it'll surely come up later, anyway. So, in short, I care about you VERY much - moreso than myself @ this point and really appreciate you being there for me when I feel like I'm ready to shoot myself. You really mean a lot to me and I don't know what to do or how to deal w/ this - I should be used to it, but this is beyond a simple case of lust and not really knowing the other person.
For now, that's it - you probably knew all of this anyway, but here it is from the horse's mouth, so to speak.
posted by CW at 11:41 PM
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