More

More about myself:

10 years ago:
1. I can't remember back that far...
2. ...........................
3. ...........................
4. ...........................
5. ...........................

5 years ago:
1. I was a high school freshman
2. "A Day Without Rain" was released (November)
3. I hated school
4. I was an internet slut
5. I had serious issues

1 year ago:
1. I was starting my college career
2. I was a little depressed
3. I wasn't as good of a musician as I am now
4. I lived in the dorms
5. I was unemployed

Yesterday:
1. I cashed my paychecks
2. I ate dinner @ Romano's
3. I called my mom
4. I think I was actually checked out by the GORGEOUS waiter @ Romano's
5. Didn't have class

5 snacks I like:
1. Veggies
2. Ice Cream
3. Bananas
4. Cheese Curds
5. Whatever I'm in the mood for

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. May it Be
2. You Raise Me Up
3. Song for the Lonely
4. Marble Halls
5. Oceano

Huh?

Blah. Why has this week been so weird? Like last night, I'm once again feeling very lonely and not knowing why - I've spent plenty of time w/ my friends this last week, so my social side should be fine - even walking through the mall tonight didn't bear as much fun as it has in the past. Grr...
Plus, my car is acting so weirdly and that's very frustrating, as it was supposed to have been given a thorough tune-up before being shipped out here...so, why does it sound like my belts are slipping, the idling is rough and it runs roughly in general?

In mental news, I feel like I have no work ethic - like everything I do is just a habit and there's really no commitment to what I'm doing. This ties into what I was saying about my musicality last night - it just doesn't make sense. I feel so lazy; I mean, I know I'm a procrastinator a lot of the time, but still, why doesn't it feel wrong, like it did last year? What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Grr... Maybe this also has to do with me just wanting to "live" and not worry about school or anything; just work and come home and do nothing. I mean, a lot of people do it, so what's to worry about? I suddenly feel like what I want isn't worth going after, and that my dreams are shit and just that; dreams and fantasies that won't come true. Plus, all of these mood swings are driving me insane - I can't handle all this! And if this is life, then maybe I'm not cut out for it yet - maybe I don't want to live @ all yet. @ this point, life can go fuck itself!

I'm not enjoying my critical studies class (Mesh of Civilizations: Islam Culture & the West) @ all. It's totally NOT what I expected, or wanted, and it pisses me off, as I can't get out of it and the only thing that makes sense is the fact that I'm doing my final paper on Islamic music. I really wish Vicky Stevens was here this year and that I was taking one of her psychology classes. I really enjoyed her class last year, learned a lot, and was hoping to take all of them, if I could. Granted, there was some work, but @ least it was work that made sense and was a good challenge - not too hard, but not too easy - it made you analyze the material in a good way. (Sigh) I hope I get @ least a pass in my current class...

To top it all off, I just feel shitty - not ill, but mentally, I feel shitty. I don't really know how to describe it, but lately, I just feel like sleeping and not waking up...
So, as one can see, I'm pretty fucked up and don't know what to do about it. Or, maybe I'm just making huge dramas out of everything and not knowing it. AHHH!! I just wish I had some guidance and help so I can make the most of this semester (and the rest of the school year, for that matter). I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW, ANYMORE!! I'M TIRED OF ANALYZING EVERYTHING I DO...

Weirdness

I'm in such a weird mood right now - I actually feel lonely. I can't believe this; I thought I'd gotten over this, as it's such a distraction from what's important. I need to make this entry and then go work on theory homework, and all I can think about is how I want to be with someone right now...grrr...In better news, I've recently discovered some things about myself:

~ The highlight of my week is my oboe lesson; for some reason, I feel I can really regroup and almost reiterate my reasoning for being a musician. Plus, having Allan as a teacher/mentor is always a gift in itself. I hope I can feel free enough to be that musical someday. Grr, why can't that damn annoying "lonely" feeling come through when I'm playing my Bach aria? Why can't I find a way to channel everything into my playing and get it out of my system when I need to? Either that, or have a sort of "reservoir" of emotions, colors, etc. to draw from when I need to...or, both that make the notes not so important. I'm holding back on my musicality for some reason; I think it's because it feels so vulnerable to be that expressive - I'm not naturally an expressive person (opinionated, but not expressive, most of the time), but people, including Allan, keep telling me I'm a natural musician, etc. I just wish I could figure out what my mental block is and work around it.

~ My life is going by much quicker than anticipated, but this is a good thing. It should also be a big kick in the butt to not be so lazy sometimes. I hope things fly in a good way, so I don't have too much time to focus on myself.

~ I really want a pet - I miss my kitties sooo much - pets are the perfect companions, and I miss mine. Granted, I said I'm not interested in love relationships, companionship, etc., but that was relating to my own species. Having a pet is a totally different kind of thing, and I know that that's what I could really use right now - people just don't do it for me...a dog or cat would be great - I wouldn't feel awkward or anything negative or tentative about cuddling up with one on the bed or lovin' 'em up. Plus, with a dog, 2 walks (or, perhaps jogs?) per day would be great exercise. Ah well, maybe this is fate saying I need to suck it all up and focus more. However, I still want a pet.


Other Good News:

The tracklisting for "Amarantine" was recently posted by Roma on the official website. Here it is:

1. Less than a Pearl
2. Amarantine (Album Version)
3. It's in the Rain
4. If I Could Be Where You Are
5. The River Sings
6. Long, Long Journey
7. Sumiregusa (Wild Violet)
8. Someone Said Goodbye
9. A Moment Lost
10. Drifting
11. Amid the Falling Snow
12. Water Shows the Hidden Heart

It's definitely not was I was expecting; in fact, someone posted this before it was official, and I thought it was fake, and naturally didn't think anything too good of it, but now, my opinion has changed. I find it ironic that "If I Could Be Where You Are" reminds me A LOT of "To Where You Are" and "If I Could Turn Back Time" and "Someone Said Goodbye" is A LOT like "One by One" and "Time to Say Goodbye." Also, "Amid the Falling Snow" reminds me of "In the Bleak Midwinter" for some reason...The other titles are just, well, unique. This is by no means a criticism, but an observation. I get the feeling that this album will be a little different, if titles and promo pictures are a true, clear indicators...so far, the only thing I don't like is the picture for the single, but that's a personal preference, as I feel the pic isn't that good, but Aigle does, and I'm sure their reason is well-based and makes sense. Besides, not having heard the album, who am I to say that it doesn't fit the theme. Something also interesting is that there are rumors about the track, "Spaghetti Western" from the "The Celts" soudntrack being a B-side on the single...this would be very interesting...

I'm confused...

A quick update before class:

~ I'm still feeling screwed up in my head and it's getting damn annoying because I feel like I can't concentrate and that I'm constantly distracted by a million other things, including this stupid fantasy career I keep seeing in my head. I feel really irresponsible, inconsistent, and in general, a complete mess for having all these ideas, but almost no work ethic - I don't get it - why do I suddenly feel so lazy? Will someone please give me a straight, hardcore truthful answer to my mental state? Wahhh!!

~ Part of me thinx that my current mental situation (see above point) is partially due to the fact that I just want to live for awhile and get myself established out here before embarking on this journey we call school. I mean, I feel well-established back in Michigan, for the obvious reasons; I know I pretty much have an identity there, however, here, I sometimes feel like I don't have one yet, and, yes, I know that's part of the college life experience, but I can't shake the feeling that it's not right that I don't have a more solid foundation on which to base myself. Chrisitanity isn't going to do it, either, for the again obvious reasons. To reiterate my point of just wanting to live, well, that's pretty much it. I just wish I had the opportunity to take some time to just work, get some money for myself, and more or less get a little more settled in out here; or, in less words, become more independent, and in the process, enjoy myself a little, when needed. I guess "Amarantine" fits here, perfectly...
With regards to music in this topic, I just want to play and not worry about anything else. I just want to play, and not think about analyzing anything; just concentrate on making the music the best I can. Is this wrong? I mean, I know class is important and that I'm being challenged, but why am I not enjoying it as much as last year?
I guess all I can do at this point is just keep going on and try to do my best. Or, as I always say, "Get over it!"

~ Last night, Christopher and I went out to Spumoni's for dinner and in had a good evening catching up, as well as listening to music and swapping CDs. I must admit, it's nice having such a best friend/confidant like him. It's my hope we'll remain friends for a long time, if not life.

~ Enya's new single, "Amarantine" is GORGEOUS!! I got to hear the exclusive premiere early Monday morning and I think it's one of her much better pieces, as the music is really good, as well as the lyrics. She uses some great, classical progressions in the chorus and her voice sounds even better. Some people on Unity heartily disagree, but I mean, come on - why can't we let her be her and support that fact; I thought that was what we were there for in the first place...The new Enya.com is great, too - it's great to finally see the studio, though I wish it was shot a little differently, as to get rid of those curvy things, however, I support what Aigle does and wishes. It may sound like I'm a blind follower, but I feel I'm seeing things from their side AND the fan side. I can't wait for next month to come - both "Amarantine" AND "Love Came Down: An Irish Christmas" will be released!!

~ As soon as I can get my screwed up life back on track where it needs to be, I'm going to start working out or SOMETHING to get myself in shape for the summer. Not for anyone, but myself. If people find me more attractive, that's nice, but remember: you can look, but don't even think about touching...

Okay, enough depression for now - I've got to run to class (one I don't understand yet...sigh)
Ciao!

Anywhere Is

Music: Enya, Loreena Mckennitt, Phillip Presswood, Celine Dion

The past few weeks have flown by incredibly fast, and I really like that - I feel that time is precious, and make my decisions accordingly. Right now, I SHOULD be working on reeds or practicing, but I won't get anything done...grrr...

Allan's first chamber orchestra concert @ UCLA was great - they had a really good program, and it was nice to see Jeffrey Kahane again and finally meet Kimaree. I'm intriguied by the Hawaii Music Festival, however, if I ever go, I'm going to need to hit the gym (more on this subject a little later) and get a decent body. The program for the evening was:

Mozart: "Overture to La clemenza di Tito"
Bolcom: "Orphée-Serenade"
Tchaikovsky: "Variations on a Rococo Theme" (Alisa Weilerstein, cello - this girl, who just graduated from college was AMAZING...there's no other way to put it - you had to be there to hear it. She also played a Bach cello piece that I can't remember for her encore...)
Mozart: "Gigue in G major & Minuet in D major" (solo piano - these were mixed w/ the next piece, w/ Jeffrey conducting and playing.)
Tchaikovsky: "Suite No. 4 in G major ('Mozartiana')"

I also drove south of Santa Clarita for the first time on Friday night, as Christopher and I went to the French Market in West Hollywood to celebrate my getting a job @ Toys 'R Us. It was a fun evening and I'm glad I have him as a friend and confidant. We also had lunch today, which was a good time.

Regarding the gym/fitness issue, I have lost some weight, though I'm 10 pounds more than where I want to be. I've decided that I'm going to give pilates a try, so I need to talk to Lori and see what they're all about and see what happens. If I could set some time aside (she said only 3 times a week for 20 minutes each) and keep a steady routine, along w/ eating healthily and staying active, things should be great. Even though I don't want to get into the dating/relationship/sex world, I still think that having a good body and being a health nut is important.

As I mentioned above, I NOW HAVE A JOB!!!! I'm hired as seasonal help @ Toys 'R Us in Stevenson Ranch, and I start on Monday @ 9. I'm excited, but hope I don't screw up - I'm horrible @ math as we all know, and I start training on cash register...I also need to get some more white collared shirts (regular or polo), which isn't to my liking because I look FAT in white...oh well, such as life.

So, I guess life is pretty okay right now. I just need to make sure I always prioritize and get this damn sophomore slump shit figured out and taken care of. I hate to admit it, but it does scare me a little to have these doubts and shit that keep invading my mind...music is the only thing I can do better than anything else, and I don't want to end up not knowing what to do w/ my life, as a jack of traits and master of none...

Mood Swings

I have to get this off my chest: The last few days, including my lesson, something really hit me - I feel like I have NOTHING to offer music anymore - like, what I do when I play or sing is all academic or mechanical, and there's no emotion behind it. I don't know how to put it any way else - I'm just really confused - I'm enjoying listening to music and watching it be performed live much more than actually doing it - I should be practicing right now, but I won't get anything done because of the mood I'm in...I'm so pissed off and confused because these damn mood swings don't give me a clear answer and I feel I'm not getting anywhere in life, period. AGGGHHH!! I'm lacking motivation and drive and, to go a little far, a lot of emotion in my playing - I feel like I'm just a machine, and if I'm going to do this, that's not what I want. I hate the fact that I feel like this same subject keeps coming up, but in different disguises - the basic questions of "what the hell am I doing, etc.?" Maybe I'm just destined to become just another musician, not anyone special - there are LOTS of people out there who are better oboists, better pianists, and better combinations, or any combo of those, so why do I try? I know that nothing worth wanting is easy, since life is just a bitch, but am I really cut out for this kind of thing? I don't want to disappoint anyone, including myself, but when I can't work because of these damn mood swings, it really pisses the fuck out of me and it's like a never-ending circle that won't leave......I thought I was getting away from drama when I graduated from high school...