Merry Christmas!

Music: Moya Brennan & Enya Christmas tunes

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Christmas today was great, even though I'm sick w/ some sort of cold and 1/2 of my face is swollen from my tooth issues. I received many good things, such as gift cards to to Banana Republic, Macys, Target, Denny's, etc., as well as a silver iPod nano, the first season of Star Trek: Voyager, and some cash from my grandma. Everyone else loved what I got them and such, so I'm glad those long, thought-out decisions were worth it. Dinner was great too - I made a roast, dressing, and steamed some vegetables, all to be served w/ a nice glass of sparking white grape juice.
More to come later, as we're about to watch the 2nd 1/2 of Lord of the Rings.

How do you feel?

I really wish I could get my mind to shut off from everything for once so I could just have some peace of mind without a million notes and various emotions running through my conscious thoughts all the freakin' time. I'm so exhausted in every way imaginable and just want to relax, yet every time I think about it, I'm preoccupied with trying to figure out the most efficient and non-offensive ways to use my time here and get in some good oboe time as well as trying to find a way to work out that's either A.) Free or B.) uber-cheap, since the closest thing to a gym is the Y. Of course, mother will be getting free passes to the MAC, so I might be nabbing those ASAP when I get some sweats or something of equal status to wear.

So, how am I feeling? Here's a breakdown:

Physically: Exhausted. The last week has been quite busy, which has been nice for a change, but I wish I had a private place to work out - I'm surrounded by family 24/7, which means no privacy and no one to work out with that I'd feel comfortable with, as well as no strong, stable support for it. Even though it's warm (for Michigan in December - it was fucking 53 degrees today...) outside, I was freezing in a sweatshirt and jeans last night on the couch and then was really warm today when it was raining. Plus, my eating and sleeping are still wacky...

Emotionally: Drained, confused, but numb for the most part. I'm really tired of feeling anything and I've really noticed that I've become SOOOOOOO much more emotional than in the past, as well as not having as good of control over my emotions, as well. It seems like everything is now routed to my right hemisphere and then my left, which has totally turned me into a huge drama queen. Ideally, the perfect balance would be letting my emotions show only when I'm doing something musical, but still letting the analytical, rational side of me have precidence, regardless. Perhaps I was better off before this term, when I was more focused on what really mattered. Oh, and things are really lonely here, but that's nothing new; I've just realized it sucks when you're attached to people in anyway, rather than just being a relatively simple part of life to deal with.

General Mental State, aside from emotions: Not in utter chaos so much as just being confused and frustrated. I haven't really had a day to really sit down and relax and do whatever I want to because we've been so busy, or when we're @ home, I'm incredibly bored, am in NO mood to do anything musical (gasp), and don't have anyone to really hang with. Plus, there's not really anything to do around here, since Lansing is no L.A. As I've said, I know I'm being a DQ and most likely making shit about nothing, but I feel like I have no control over anything right now.

I'm freaking about my recital because I don't think I'll be ready in time, so then I panic and am in no state to practice because of panicking and not feeling up to the challenge. I'm freaking about my studio project because nothing is done yet and I'm not even sure what pieces I can confidently say will be on the final cut because of copyrights, etc., and getting the arrangments done and working, not to mention actually recording them. I'm thinking this will end up being an EP, as opposed to a 12-track, full-length album. My goal is to scale back on everything that's not directly related to my musical endeavors this coming term, so I can get where I need to be and make sure I have no regrets in that area. So, after a taste of a quite eventful social life and having things go crazy w/ my best friend in all sorts of ways, I think the best solution is to just scale back and finish this school year w/ the least amount of possible distractions. Granted, habits are hard to break, but hell, it's worth the try. But, of course, looking the opposite direction and just seeing how my luck usually runs, this will be the wrong idea or I'll take it too far somehow and more drama will surely follow and more confusion will set in. I really don't want my friendships to suffer, but sometimes I can't help but think that they're what got me into this mess in some way - had I not let people in so closely and quickly, I think life would've been simpler in a lot of ways. I just don't understand that if music is my passion, what I love more than anything in this life, then why do I let other things get in the way? Why is it that I let a man, particularly a love interest in the way of working on my ultimate goals? Why is it I'm even sitting here writing all of this BS and not working on reeds, writing program notes, researching that Berio piece, studying/practicing, or arranging/writing? And damn it, why do certain things hurt SO much? I'm so lost as to why I feel like I can't make sense out of anything anymore.

So there it is. That's how I really feel @ the current moment. Maybe I'm just tired, not feeling well, and not thinking straight, or maybe that's how I really feel and it's finally come out. Oh, and where the flying fuck is the COLD weather and SNOW & ICE?!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

The last few days have been surprisingly busy, which has been nice. I think I've almost got all of my Christmas shopping done, but there's probably a few loose ends I'm forgetting. Regardless, I've spent too much money, most likely, but I was shopping for mom too. Anyhoo, it was fun and I got some relatively good deals and good stuff.

I watched XMen 3 w/ the family last night since they hadn't seen it and I forgot how incredibly hot Wolverine is and how good the movie is. Hugh Jackman is one of my heroes and if I ever meet him someday, I hope I'm not a bumbling, stuttering idiot who makes it really obvious how much I would love to be his man.

Inside my head, things are going relatively smoother (knock on wood) than I thought they would, and, when I don't think about Adam, I'm not depressed or as moody. However, easier said than done. I think I can now relate to a certain degree when people talk about love, heartache/break, etc., which is really odd, since I never thought I'd be able to. I'm just concerned about my reaction/actions when I get back to school and have to see my boy everyday again. I'm still standing steadfast in my decision to not let our friendship get in the way of me trying to deal w/ my drama - it's just really hard to hang out sometimes, but I'm tired of being alone so much. Oi Vey!!

Not much else to tell except that I'm tired, mentally, emotionally, and somewhat physically. Here's hoping for a white Christmas.

My computer has died for some strange reason and so we're looking @ a Mac...

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I'm back home. Before I post anything, I'd like to address my friends (you know who you are!):

Thank you guys SO MUCH for everything over the last month!! I really can't tell you how much all of your love, support, and patience has meant to me dealing w/ all of my personal drama, and I feel so very lucky to call you all my friends and share my life with you. I consider you all family and hope you know how much I love you all and that I'll be there for you like you've been for me. I love you guyz!

The flight was pretty boring - there's only so much music one can listen to before even that gets boring, and when one finishes reading 2 magazines before the plane even leaves the gate, it's definitely a sign of things to come. @ least I got some space, since I moved to the aisle seat.
The weather here is VIRTUALLY THE SAME as in Los Angeles, except there's humidity here. Not much else to tell, except that it's hard to sleep here since it's pure silence and I can't have my window open. I spent today doing laundry and fixing some reeds, as well as attending the Christmas program @ church w/ the family. It was cute and short and nice to talk to Matt, whom I've missed A LOT. It'll be nice to get caught up with him and such.

Not much else to tell, but definitely more to come.

Long, Long Journey

Dinner w/ Adam was great - I'm really glad we had that time together, and I'm feeling much better about things in the future. I've realized I have so much going for me and a lot of things to work on, so boy problems shouldn't be a problem, technically. However, we'll see. I really hope this break will surprise me and things will go really well. I really need to practice and work on my studio project, so hopefully those will keep me busy and creatively flowing.

After meeting w/ Jeff & Erica, it's more packing and then waking up insanely early to get ready to go. I hope I don't cry tomorrow morning.

Oh, I also sang for one of my friends for the first time tonight - Neili was feeling really down, so I played and sang most of "Awake" for her, except when I forgot the lyrics in the 2nd chorus. But, the point was there and she really liked it. I'm surprised I wasn't as nervous as I thought. Anyhoo, its quite a challenge to play and sing well.

So, it's off to the art opening. Next post from my house in Michigan.

The calm before the storm

Okay, so here's to the last day!! Only one final left in Bill's analysis class, and I THINK (knock on wood) that that should go over pretty well. Right now is downtime in the library looking @ oboe music, but tonight is a worldwind of activities, including dinner w/ Adam, saying 'see you later' (goodbyes suck!) to everyone, and finishing packing, so hopefully, I won't be over the weight limit and will have room for everything. Tomorrow is also a whirldwind, with getting up early, taking Adam to the fly-way, and then going back down w/ Kathy, plus all the airport stuff...blah! Josh, Enya, and Moya will be my friends during this flight...I can feel it. I'm hoping I'll be so tired tomorrow I'll just sleep like a baby when I get home and go to bed; jet-lag sucks, so hopefully this earlier flight will help. Either that, or a quick nap on the plane.

I have reeds soaking in hydrogen peroxide, so I should probably go back and take them out...another update either tonight or when I'm back in Michigan.

Only one more day.

Music: Ambient Generation

Today was actually pretty good - Adam and I had fun going to Border's, Barnes & Noble, and then lunch. Knock on wood, I'm actually feeling a little better about break now that I feel a little more motivated about life. However, oboe class was a bit of a let down - I love how Allan must've really wanted to hear me sight-read those Ferlings...@ least I had fun xeroxing all of the concertos and stuff...anyhoo, dinner afterward @ Thai Pepper was great - it was really great to hang out w/ the oboists and talk oboe and music. I actually practiced for @ least a solid hour tonight on technical stuff, like the Vivaldi C Major concerto I just got (well, everyone since I xeroxed it), Hummel, and Beethoven. Then, my right wrist started tingling and hurting and my throat was hurting, too. Practicing downstairs in the hall by the G-lab is great.

If I can convince Mark, I'd like to try to take a stab @ that Berio piece that Allan and Adam are playing. I definitely need a musical personality, but I don't know how to define my like for contemporary music...I guess I like stuff that doesn't require a lot of extended techniques and that has a discernable structure. Tonality is preferable, but not a requirement. However, Allan said this piece is incredibly notey, so that sounds intriguing. For some reason, I've adapted this love of technical music. Don't know why, but I find it really fun. Anyhoo, I have enough to work on besides Berio. But, it would be nice to play with Allan sometime.

I've also decided to do what I need to to be a "professional oboist," and hopefully do it well, but will continue to follow my heart's desire and work on my project. I want this project to be as perfect as possible, so if that means working only one song for the rest of the school year, that's okay; @ least that track will be what I want it to be. Granted, let's hope that's not the case, but who knows? Even if I only have one track to show what I've done, even if it's not even my composition, that's fine. My hope @ this point is to have @ least 4-6 pieces done for an EP or something - I just think a full-length album is pushing it a bit, since I can't be in the studio for 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day...unfortunately. So, I'll pay my dues, but keep working on my stuff and hopefully, it'll get me somewhere good.

Here's to one more final tomorrow, packing for the journey home, and not being an emotional mess...

Only Time

Music: "Awake" (Album)

I'm still in a relatively good mood. I think the satisfaction of finishing my final papers has a good part of that, as well as knowing that break is near and that I had a great time w/ Adam today, and, as I mentioned previously, w/ Adam and Jeff. I think I've made the right decision to not use the avoidance strategy to deal w/ my current situation. As I've said before, our friendship is so great and I don't want anything to change w/in its basic, strong foundation just because I can't deal with my first heartache, or whatever the hell it is. It's tough, and sometimes downright depressing and painful to face it head on, but, I've got to do it, methinx. Besides, on some level I have a feeling that I'm going to be hurting on some level for awhile until I can get back to "normal" or find my balance. Whether I'm around him or not, it hurts, regardless, so I'm just going to try and enjoy the time we have before break. Somehow, I have to keep reminding myself, I'll get through this. It's just really hard to be positive. Ai...

Meeting Moya Brennan has got to be one of the biggest highlights of this fall. I mean, I NEVER expected to meet one of my musical idols, then I met Josh. But, to think that I met THE Moya Brennan, an amazing musician and artist in her own right, lead singer of Clannad AND sister of Enya, I mean, WOW.
I drove down to Santa Monica early Sunday morning to find the church where she was to perform during the service. Apparentely, the church admin. was @ the given address and the actual service was held @ a middle school auditorium around the area of Pico & 17th. I luckily met another fan who drove me over. We came in while Moya and Cormac (her harpist) were doing their soundcheck. Before the service, Moya came over to where Don (the other fan) and I were sitting (in the front) and asked if we were members of the church. She thanked us for coming when we told her we'd just come to see her. She shook our hands and held onto mine for a long time while Don talked to her for a second. Moya's performance was flawless and so beautiful and got a good audience response (standing ovation). The church service was a little long, but ironically, the pastor was really attractive for his age (I'd guess late 30's, early 40's or maybe mid 40's), so I @ least had something to entertain myself, lol. Anyway, afterwards, we headed out to Moya's merch table where she was selling "An Irish Christmas" - I brought my copy with me and got it signed as well as getting one for mom signed as well (Thank you to Don!!). I cannot emphasize how sweet, caring, kind, and down to earth Moya is. She remembered me from earlier and I thanked her for bringing such beautiful and great music to the world and told her how I'd been listening to her family's music for as long as I can remember.

It's @ this point I met Michelle Tumes, but more on that when I can actually type and think. Goodnight...

Oh, and parking was free!! :)

Winter? Where?

Music: Christmas! (Moya Brennan, Enya, Josh Groban, Tingstad & Rumbel, Paul McCandless, Boston Pops, James Galway)

I'm strangely in a calm, peaceful mood. Working on my psych. paper and listening to Christmas music is the fun of the evening. Jeff and Adam, I really enjoyed dinner out w/ you guys - thanx SO MUCH for being there for me all the time - I'm going to miss you the next few weeks!!

I just wanted to get those few things out before I go back and finish my paper - another post will follow later tonight detailing my latest experiences.

What a day!

Today was a very interesting day, but a good one.

~ I MET MOYA BRENNAN!! AND heard her perform live w/ Cormac!!

~ I ALSO MET MICHELLE TUMES!! She said she was interested in listening to some of my stuff if I emailed it to her!

So, there's the highlights of my day, w/ details forthcoming when I'm not so pooped. My apologies to my friends for being so bitchy and grouchy tonight. It wasn't my intention to be so emo.

Adam, I hope my mini-psychoanalysis, dare we call it that, helped give you an idea of how Dan might be thinking. Like I said, if he's anything like me, that's how I would explain it. Sometimes it's almost easier to bring more hurt and pain onto oneself if it means settling a bigger issue that hurts a lot more and is "more important." It's ironic, I know, but since when has anything been making sense, lately.

Off to bed. I hope I don't flunk my China final tomorrow or do an abysmal job in my jury. In the words of the wonderful Neili, "Oi, Vey!"

So much to do...

Music: "An Irish Christmas" (Moya Brennan's Christmas album)

~ Ventura: Driving was okay on the way there except for the rain part. It was nice to see the city w/ a little daylight left, too. I got there a good hour early, which was necessary, as my reed needed some serious help. The concert went well, too, even though the "stage" was really hot. Tuning was a little less than stellar since I was actually a little high, but couldn't hear the keyboard's A. I think I made some contacts since I got asked if I had a business card...I really need to get those done over break. I've never seen a church packed so full so early for a performance. It was weird to be playing in such a musically inclined church w/ real musicians, good equipment, and be getting paid to play. The drive back was stressful in that it was pouring rain the entire way and people out here don't know how to drive very well in rain. It's not really their fault, but is still a pain when they're 20 under the speed limit when 5 or maybe 10 below is actually needed. Bah humbug! I almost went off the road when I passed this truck that was in the LEFT lane (WTF?!) and got a wall of water on my windshield for a few seconds...very scary.

~ I'm slowly, but surely getting all of my finals done. I just need to buckle down tomorrow and get them mostly done. I just don't want to do them, dammit! They shouldn't be that hard, just time consuming. Oh, and I have to sign up for a jury time...

~ Adam, I missed seeing you today! You always brighten my day, but I hope you had fun w/ Erica.

~ I'm driving down to Santa Monica to meet Moya Brennan tomorrow morning...more on this later...I'm tired.

I wish I wasn't raised in a Methodist family so drinking, smoking, and pot wouldn't bother me and my peers will stop secretly thinking I'm nutz.

Music: ...SILENCE...

~ Ventura: Driving there was okay, except I almost got broadsided TWICE. I like Ventura - it's a nice sized city right on the water and isn't too far away from L.A. Rehearsal went really well and it was nice to meet another CalArts grad, who is the bassoonist. Driving back was really nice, too - the darkness, minimal traffic, and somewhat isolated feeling of the area made for a very relaxed and quasi-romantic/lonely drive, when paired w/ ambient electronic music.

~ Lunch w/ Kathy: one of the best things to happen, lately. I now have a better idea of everything in my brain and it's good to know that I'm just human and not totally nutz or a big drama queen for nothing. I'm not sure how to take/comprehend Allan's pot thing, except to do the typical Chris rolled eyes thing and wonder if perhaps it's worth a try, since it doesn't seem to be doing anything detrimental to him (Allan) and his playing... Anyhoo, thanx for your time and friendship, Kathy - it means a lot!!

~ My summer: @ this point, the only things I'm interested in are Idyllwild or Blue Lake, except I can't do both, which majorly sux. Other than that, @ the current time, I really don't care...

Hmm, not much else going on. My lesson went surprisingly well today; Allan actually fixed my reed and made it really good, so I'm happy about that. Let's leave it there on a happy note.

Sleep is a marvelous thing

I'm feeling a little better this morning - I think the sleep did me well. I've now come the question of why I'm even feeling hurt inside - I once read that when something like this hurts, or when you let it hurt and cry, etc., it means that the "wound" goes deep, obviously means a lot, and has a lot of emotions attached to it, so I guess that works for now. I just can't stop thinking about you. But, as I said last night, I think the only way to really deal w/ this is to not change anything.

Why me?! Why us?!

Music: Enya & Josh Groban

So, I always speak too soon about how things are going - maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I'm a total emo mess right now over nothing, or, @ least something that I shouldn't be crying for 15 minutes about while driving on the freeway and talking to my mother. I can @ least say I know what heartbreak feels like, to a certain extent, if I even dare go that far. To sum it up, it really fucking sucks to love someone you can't have and see all the time. Granted, I don't have to see you all the time, but it hurts just as much to not see and be around you, so I guess either way I'm fucked until I can figure out how to get past this. I'm not angry @ you, but the situation and how I let myself get involved so intimately. This semester was supposed to be one of good friends, hard work, and no intimate feelings beyond a strong friendship. But, instead it turned out to be a semester of good friends, enough work to get by, and too many intimate feelings and too much drama. I'm so confused, still as to why it happened and why I let it.

I don't know what else to say except that I think I'll be okay after tonight - I'm now thinking the way to deal with this is head on, since I see you all the time and I'll be damned if I let our friendship get put on the line over my naivety and personal drama. So, bear w/ me. I'm trying.
I'll see you tomorrow. I love you.

Huh?

Music: Shuffled Playlist....anything from Enya to Cher to Beethoven to Peter Gabriel

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play4.
For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits:Festive Overture (Dmitri Shostakovich)

Waking Up:The Frog Prince (Enya)

First Day Of School:Crystal Clear (Mike Oldfield)

Falling In Love:Untitled 6 (Sigur Ros)

Fight Song:All or Nothing (Cher)

Breaking Up:The Sound of Music (Rodgers & Hammerstein)

Prom:Introduction & Rondo Capriccioso for Violin & Orchestra (Camille Saint-Saens)

Mental Breakdown:The Eternal Knot (Karl Jenkins/Adiemus)

Driving:Jurassic Park (John Williams)

Flashback:Sauvage et Beau (Vangelis)

Getting Back Together:Reveal (Celine Dion)

Wedding:A Different Kind of Love Song (Cher)

Birth Of Child:'Menuetto' from the Trio in C for 2 Oboes & English Horn (Josef Triebensee)

Final Battle:Buachaill On Eirne (Traditional, performed by Clannad)

Death Scene:In Doubt (Peter Gabriel)

Funeral Song:L'Ultima Notte (Josh Groban)

End Credits:Doon Well (Moya Brennan)

Okay, that was fun. I'm much more @ ease tonight, especially since I just did another cleaning sweep of my room and have a ton of things to recycle AND I found 9 concert programs for my forum assignment to do. Adam, I had a lot of fun tonight - thanx for coming w/ me! Things are always brighter and more fun when you're around - I really wish we could hang out over break!! I'm going to miss you soooo much...you've really changed my life for the better and I wish I could repay you somehow, but the only thing I think I have right now is love...

Anyhoo, I think it might help for you to talk to Linda before break. I wish I could help you the way you've been helping me; you seem so torn up about this and that makes me a little sad, too.

Carter went relatively well today - I didn't screw up as much as I thought, but I did get lost a few times, which totally pissed me off...and my reed kept drying up, so in the 3rd movement, my attacks were really shitty. But, @ least my runs came off well, I think. To quote Allan, I don't think anyone heard "the parasites between the notes" except me. But, I think regarding the drama surrounding that piece and our group, it went well. And, surprisingly, I wasn't nervous @ all - maybe the trick is to just not care about the music one is performing in a concert...I mean, I did care, but not really. I just don't get it - I nearly had a panic attack w/ the Zelenka, but not today, which was harder...oi vey!!! No fair!!

I miss my kitties!! There will be much rejoicing when I get home and can see my beautiful babies and have them to cuddle with and be woken up by. The only bad part might be the excessive white hair on all of my dark clothing...particularly my new blazer. However, it's worth it. I must say that animals are truly mans' best friend when all others disappoint.

I really should be working on my Greenhouse Effect paper, but since I'm using a paper I've already written on the same subject, I might just reprint it tomorrow morning or, if it needs to be longer (can't remember @ the moment), I'll just add a few pages of..."stuff" and then a quick edit, and then print it. I almost want to do my little presentation on it tomorrow just to get it out of the way, but, hell, I'll probably procrastinate and do it next week since public speaking is NOT my forte - I turn into a stuttering, bumbling idiot who can't get a cognitive thought out w/out sounding really not with it. So many damn decisions - I sometimes hate being in control of certain things.

No more studio time until next term, which is unfortunate, but such is life. Zach is so adorable and I could ramble on about that, but @ least he has the parts now and I hope working w/ him will be as rewarding as working w/ Melinda has been/is. I really wish we could've gotten more 2 tracks started and @ least 1 or 2 completely finished so I could have something to show, but, I guess that's the price one pays for being a perfectionist and one's own worst critic. I really need to be rich and be able to call in the L.A. Chamber Orch. strings to record w/ me...someday...


Enough of my rambling for now. I'm going to bed and fantasizing about...a perfect life. And, damn those fucking (no pun intended) erotic dreams. Granted, they make for great j/o sessions, but if only they were real...they're such a tease. But, as I'm told, I have no room to talk w/ regards to that...

Again...my oboe still hates me and I'm still confused about myself.

Music: "The Songs of Distant Earth" (Album - Mike Oldfield)

Here I am again, all of 3 hours later, posting. I suddenly feel very emo, lol. Anyhoo, things are feeling a little more up now after a nice indulgence of chocolate w/ Jeff & Adam. Jeff is such a relief from myself which is so great. I really love the guy to bits and am glad we've gotten to know each other so well over the last 2 semesters. And, of course, there's you, Adam. What is there to say about you that I haven't said...I wasn't joking tonight when I made that comment about liking you - you're so cute and lovable when you're playing around like that. Over the last few days I've been realizing that liking you and having it in the open has been quite interesting. The last time I liked a guy and he knew, it made things a little (okay, a LOT) awkward, but I almost feel like it's made it almost easier to be around you and talk to you since I trust you; I'd trust you w/ my life. However, it's still hard to not pull you into a hug and hold you when I want or tell you how much I care about you to your face. I can't honestly say I can imagine what it feels like for you right now, still having your issues w/ Dan and then having me wanting you. So, tell me to back off if needed and I'll try. But, forgive me - I'm still relatively new to this whole thing and have NEVER felt as comfortable being myself as I do around someone I like as I do w/ you. Oh, and tonight, those jeans made your package look really good...

To finish all this, I did mean what I said the other night about us having a chance and me being willing to change - I do like you and, if we were an item, would want to make you as happy as I could. Granted, I have my limits, but you know what I mean.


Enough gooey for now, lol - I need some sleep before that damn Carter performance tomorrow in which I hope I don't sound too bad, but I'm not going to stress about it like Beethoven. I just want to get it done. It's a great piece, but I'm tired of it. Blake has no more studio time before break and we still don't have anything finished for sure. Zach was so sweet today - apparentely he thought we were recording next week. Poor guy, I should've sent him a reminder email or facebook. At least he's still up for doing it since I gave him the parts. If only he was gay...but wait - then I'd be in a bigger mess than I am now since I'd have 2 men I'd have fallen for...what a bundle of confusion!

Here's to a decent performance tomorrow, making it through tomorrow in general, and not being too clingy w/ Adam.

My oboe hates me

Oi!...I swear, I spoke way too soon today when I said that I thought my life was basically back on track and "normal;" my attempt @ practicing Carter, working on reeds, and trying to sharpen my knives obviously proved me quite wrong. I'm glad I'm going to see Linda tomorrow, as I'm placing my hope and trust that she'll have a solution and/or bitch-slap me and tell me to get over myself. @ this point, a professional opinion is definitely needed and wanted.
However, despite the above, things are relatively back to normal. I feel much better having my feelings in the open and knowing I have a great support group as my family out here. In many ways, I think I'm closer to them than my parents. For those of you reading, I really appreciate you very much and love you all. This semester has been the best and worst in a lot of ways and has been an emotional/mental roller coaster I'd care to not ride again. I'm not sure what I've gained from it, but I'm sure time will tell, eventually. I'm told by trusted peoples that I just need to hang in there until I'm on the plane to Detroit, so, I'm going to try. In a way, I almost feel like I need to become more callous to life and less emotionally involved w/ things, since it seems like every little thing bugs the hell out of me and that's not the kind of person I want to be.

I've also been dumbfounded and totally confused by actually wanting to be w/ someone in a monogamous relationship - I NEVER thought that I would seriously feel this way, but since this semester has been one full of surprises and curves, why not. It's not a bad feeling, but damn, is it ever-so-fucking tedious. Sometimes I can almost empathize w/ people who've done things out of love and such...it's quite a strong set of feelings, though I'm not sure how strong mine are - I just know they're pretty damn close to love, if @ times, not. I just wish there were a textbook answer and DX so I'd know for sure...

In need of coffee, chocolate, inspiration, motivation, and a boyfriend...