The Spirit of Christmas Past...DOES make sense in July.

There's a lyric that's been swimming around in my mind for a bit - it's from an Enya song called, "The Spirit of Christmas Past." Of course, it's from a winter-themed album and based on Charles Dickens, but I find that these lyrics transcend into daily life, as well. It took me a while to really understand them (as it does with most lyrics), but now, I feel I've got it.

"The Spirit of Christmas Past"

Music by Enya

Lyrics by Roma Ryan

When tears are in your eyes, it's time to look inside;
your heart can find another way

Believe in what I say, don't throw this time away
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

So let the shadows go and drift away like snow
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

So dream until the night becomes the morning light
Tomorrow will be Christmas Day

Speaking of music and artists, I'm sometimes really amused by the sheer eclecticism of my music library. For example, all of the following are on my iPod right now: Enya, Josh Groban, Cher, Celine Dion, Alexi Murdoch, John Williams, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Doors, Boston Pops Orchestra, Clannad, Cecilia Bartoli, The Chieftains, The Flaming Lips, FearMia, Hilary Hahn, Joshua Bell, London Oboe Band, Regina Spektor, Richard Sherman, Schiller, Sarah Brightman, Vangelis, Nancy Ambrose King, Allan Vogel, & Arthur Rubenstein. It gets interesting when I hit shuffle...if you're not expecting it, the shift from Vivaldi violin concerti to Cher to Moya Brennan can be a bit jarring, but it's fun. I'm always trying to expand my tastes, even though I know what I like, for the most part.

So, there's this couple outside the coffeeshop right now that keeps hugging and such - he's really buff and hot and she's a stereotypical fake blond valley-girl. I wonder if they're fucking and if it's good. I wonder how big his dick is. Or, I wonder if this is some sort of long goodbye - perhaps someone is moving? It's interesting. She drives a nice Saturn SUV. He drives a red Chevy S10 pickup that's a bit...older, but in good condition. Hm. People watching. Always something to keep you thinking.

Everyone seems to notice when I go quiet - am I really that loud and boisterous? I just don't feel like chatting lately - all it would be is me having a pity party and bitching, and I don't want to make people deal with that (unless you're reading this, hehehe). I'll be fine, soon. I just need to find my mojo again. I think once this wedding is over this weekend (BIG piano gig), I'll be a little more on top of things. I've GOT to practice stuff tonight and make sure I've got everything together. I've almost got "You're the Sunshine in my Life" by Stevie Wonder down (a bridal request), but it's a weird song. I don't get how the harmonies fit together. It sounds fine when I listen to the recording, but doing it myself, I feel like going from a C Maj7 to a Gb is just...weird. It doesn't feel natural. Gah. Damn jazz harmonies. Everyone is surprised that I've never heard the song until now, but fails to remember that I don't really listen to that style of music...Oh well. I'll be fine. I can fake really well.

Sigh.

brain? what's that?

So, I think my funk is passing. I sure hope it is - I'd like to be myself, again. Tonight @ rehearsal it was like a totally different person - I was fucking up things I never have and things that were easy. I had shitty reeds (the best one cracked!! NO!!!) and felt completely removed from my normal oboe personna. Not a good feeling and very disconcerting. Ugh.

I really should be in bed, but I can't shut my brain off. I really wish my mind and body would be able to meet up someday - it rarely happens. Perhaps I should look into neurofeedback and start the path to bettering myself, step by step. But, fuck. Oy. Everything in this world costs money, which I have barely any of. I have enough to get by on, but not enough to live independently. But, more on this shit later (a whole other, boring post).

Silence is a wonderful thing. I find myself drawn to it more and more these days. I LOVE listening to music (one of the perks of my job), but sometimes, I just like quiet. No notes. No voices. No feeling jealous of someone else. Just. Quiet. Time for the audio part of the brain to chill. I love sitting here at night (like now) listening to the traffic and crickets. It just works. Too bad it's not on the chilly side for it to be really comfy. But, it's so peaceful, regardless. Maybe a performance of 4'33 is in order sometime...

I have so many random thoughts running around my tired brain it's hard to concentrate and write. I'm making an attempt to do a brain dump and it's not really working as well as I'd hoped. In general, my posts tend to be long, but I have a lot to talk about. And, in a place like this, why not? I have PLENTY to talk about, but half of it I'm always thinking about (music, sex, men, life, etc.) and the other half is random/current/event-oriented. But, I think getting back into this blogging habit is a good thing.

Quintet - I think we're coming along - I don't like how inconsistent our rehearsals are, though. It can be really confusing to hear improvements. Perhaps these and some other issues are just teething issues with a relatively "new" group. I'd really like this to go somewhere - I've spent a lot of time and energy on other stuff besides playing, and it would be nice to see that come to fruition. It would be great to see something through to the end, per say, and get some compensation and know that it's worth it and possible to get an audience or whatever.

I'm so impatient with things that I need to patient with and patient with things that probably don't care - I don't understand this dichotemy. I can be patient waiting for something right in front of me, yet not something I can't see. Is this an age thing?

Blah. I think I'm done rambling for now. It's a good thing that the people who read this know that I'm usually much more "put together" in real life than on here.

Eh? Oy. Fuck.

I'm really confused. I'm STILL feeling exhausted from (I think) last week - band camp CAN'T have made me THAT tired that I still feel out of it, tired, moody, etc. into the next week! Can it? I really don't want to end up like my mother, where I do something and then am out of commission for a ridiculous amount of time thereafter - I'm way too young for that - that saying, "I'll sleep when I'm dead" is beginning to make much more sense these days...I mean, I slept in the van THE WHOLE WAY TO WORK this morning...

There's a new restaurant in town I want to try, over on Lake Lansing/Hagadorn, called "Copper." It looks quite interesting, menu-wise, and the prices don't look too extravagant, but I'll try it for lunch first, one of these days. Perhaps one of my fabulous girls would like to join me...

So, just organize my thoughts: I have my recital invites ready to go - just need to make a mailing list and get them out. I have to finish my program (waiting for program notes from Kate) and get that printed. I also need to get some candid photos @ next rehearsal for the poster and then get that going. Things seem to be in good shape as far as promo stuff is concerned, and I like the fact that I don't think (crossing fingers/knock on wood) that I'll be running around all nutso trying to put up posters and such. I think the extra little invite things can double as postcard type things (just on regular paper, I guess) that I can put at the band counter and upstairs @ work. Hopefully. God forbid I promote something NOT related to work. I'm hoping for a decent audience...maybe 50? I think we're going to sound great, so it would be a shame to not have anyone.

Ack...I have to finish our quintet promo stuff, too...photos and Joe's bio.

Been attempting to practice my audition excerpts for school. I like them all except for the damn Brahms ones. I. Don't. Like. Brahms. I think his only hummable, memorable melodies were the oboe solo from the violin concerto and the waltz in Ab for piano that sounds sorta like the lullaby. Other than that...it's just...notes and sound. I'm not sure why people like his stuff so much. For as much as I bitch about J.S. Bach, at least he has TONS of memorable melodies and was a counterpuntal genius. I don't see/hear any of that in Brahms. For someone who wanted to be the next Beethoven or whatever, he falls short, in my opinion. So, anyway, back to excerpts. I just wish they were as easy to play alone as they are as in the orchestra. Sigh. Oy. Suck it up.

Depression sucks. Ever since band camp ended, I've felt really depressed - but I notice this after every concert or musical event I participate in. I've been in this funk that seems to be getting worse as time progresses. Thank God for my girls that kept me sane and reassured last week. I know things are going to be much better @ school.

Bah..

Lunchtime! The best part of the work day...So, I really DO NOT want to go to work this week. I mean, really; after last week, who WOULD want to come to the shop? I think I'd even take the ridiculously hot music building right now over work. At least I only have about a month left as full-time. I think these family-run businesses are going to be the death of me one day, stress-wise. And, WTF is w/ people who just don't know how to work? Get off your damn phone and do something productive. I wonder how things will run w/out me to do all the work.

However, the highlight of the week, so far, is playing @ the capital tomorrow afternoon with Kate. Then, Kenny and Emily's wedding this weekend. I just have to run through stuff and woodshed a few spots and all will be good to go. I was hoping to get a new keyboard stand...but that's looking like it's not going to happen right now. Oh well. I don't really NEED one, but it would be easier to have a table-style one for gigging. I've spent enough money lately, so I'll have to hold off.

Other than that, it's just back to the grind. Yay. I can't wait for school to start - I'm seriously going loopy. However, it will be interesting living at home. I wonder how many bitchy arguments mother and I will have about my "attitude" and such.

And, this whole not having a car thing really sucks. I feel like I'm in high school again w/out my license. I hate bumming rides and having to work around everyone else's schedules and such. Bahhhh. Fucking car. Fucking being poor. Fucking everything!!!!!!!!!! Okay, pity party over; just had to get that out.

Who can say where the road goes?

Today has been great - I got plenty of sleep last night, got up at a decent time, and then headed down to IKEA and Trader Joe's w/ my teacher/friend, Gretchen. It was SOO great to hang out with her since we've both been crazy busy. We stopped @ Banana Republic's outlet store by Howell, took advantage the GREAT sales and ended up with some new stuff - for me, a pair of concert black pants, bootcut khaki chinos, and jeans for me - each about $30, so a great deal - I apparently saved $60! Then, onto IKEA, lunch @ a Thai place with a really bitchy waitress, Carvel for AMAZING ice cream, Home Goods (no wonder David Bromstad loves that place!), and Trader Joe's for some groceries. A great day getting out of town for a few hours.

I FINALLY got an iPod charger for my iPod Touch, a new camera case (after almost a year of not having one), and a cable to hook up my iPod to our sound system @ home. I LOVE having days like this. I do spend a fair amount of money, but it's money well spent. Now, @ home, it's off to do some much-needed cleaning/organizing, laundry, and chilling out.

So, band camp went really well. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's just hard to remember that they're only in jr. high. 'Nuff said. Going out afterward was...ok. Too many straight men in the room having their own inside jokes and such. But, I'm glad I had Kate and Cindy to hang with. My girls and I have so much fun - too bad the real world is mean and we can't be social and such ALL the time. Ugh. Oh, and Cindy, if you read this - THANK YOU SO MUCH for going so far out of your way to take me home!!

Ok. It's past dinner time. I have a feeling this is going to be a longer night of getting myself somewhat organized. I have so much paper around here it's ridiculous. And, what am I doing right now...blogging. Oh well. At least my reed table is nice and clean now and I've got the majority of stuff off the floor. Vacuuming might have to wait until tomorrow. Oy.

Probably more to come later tonight. I really need to get laid. Like, bad. This not having a car is putting a wrinkle in my style (more on this later). Oy!

Sunrise, sunset...

NOTE: This may be just random and not make much sense. Such is the life of my thoughts at times. And, I have a slight headache. I NEVER get headaches; this is quite distracting.

Ya know, sometimes silence and solitude are a great thing. It's been a crazy 2 years (almost) since I came home from L.A. and some of the most rewarding things have happened. However, I feel as though I haven't grown in my "love" (for lack of a better word) life any. There just isn't the huge collection of gay men in this intermediate area that seem to work for me. That being said, I have one friend, Mike, who is great. I love the guy to bits (in a buddy way, not romantic) and am always glad when we hang out - it almost feels as though I have a mentor who can relate to certain aspects of life. And, it's nice to sometimes be around someone who isn't into music at all. I can sorta clear my mind from all of that for a bit. And, he's great in bed. We're not meant to be romantically involved, but I'm okay with that; it's just nice to have a GUY friend I can lean on once in a while for advice, friendship, intellectual/stimulating conversation, and great sex. I have way more female friends, which is awesome, but barely any guys, particularly any gays. So, while having one great friend is cool, it would be nice to branch out more. I mean, gay friends my age that I hang with on a regular basis? Ha. Lansing? Right. My best friend lives in Toronto. Not exactly a short drive. Gr. I am hoping Ann Arbor has a bit more to it than just a great university and artsiness.

So, this week has been the MSU CMS band camp. I find it quite incredible that I am now the oboe coach, some 12/13 or so years after I attended as a camper. Eek. I'm old. Anyhoo, it's been quite a workout this week - I have 3 kids this time, each completely different from the other. There is the best player, an 8th grader with a Loree Royal. He picks stuff up quick, is learning to make reeds, and is taking lessons with an MSU grad. Then, there's the quiet, sweet girl who's a student of a friend from the community orch. I play in. She's on the right track, has a great instrument (Fox 330). The youngest is a 7th grader who's really quiet, but plays ÜBER LOUDLY. He has an...okay instrument and I gave him some of of my reeds. However, I'm not finding my groove, teaching-wise, with them. They're getting everything I say, but I'm not sure if they really do. I don't want to bore them or overwork them. This is a tough age to teach. I'm thinking there needs to be an overabundance of oboe students in the next few years so I can get a few and at least work out some of the kinks in my teaching. I really hate knowing what I'm talking about, but not being able to relate to a kid.

Hm. I just listened to a recording of some of my demo songs and some covers I did. Not bad. I think my style is pretty unique. Yes, there are obvious influences, but a good dose of me. I think I have an interesting timbre to my voice. I haven't really recorded the more "classical" sound to it, but none of the songs I've done have required that. I think my songwriting, musically, is decent - I can write a song that uses more than I, IV, and V and still make it catchy. Lyrically, well, they're not particularly artful, poetic, brainy, or profound, but they ARE incredibly honest and clear. That is a direct reflection of me. So, the question now remains - how the hell do I get my stuff to someone high up? All I want to know is whether the industry thinks I can make it as an artist on a label or not. This is how I would love to make a living - by writing, recording, promoting my albums. Various collaborations with other artists and groups. Maybe scoring some soundtracks or other soundtrack work. Maybe do one studio album, then an oboe music album for a classical label with a recital tour? Leave it to me to find a career path that has no definite rules, way to being hired, or guarantee of success. However, I HAVE to try or I'll never be happy. I have wanted this since I was 13. Ai.

So, that was a bit of a brain dump. My head hurts. I'm going to get H20. Maybe that will help. Then, maybe some tv time with mom. However, I'm really tired and a bit grumpy. Maybe another early night...

Wow. So, another stretch of time has passed (this time, getting into years…) since my last update here. Given my history of fickle emotional stability, I guess this isn’t anything new. But, still. So many things have happened and I can’t remember them right now (it’s late), but many good, some not so good, some just downright fucked up. However, the pertinent poop is that I’m going to UM in the fall for my master’s. I FINALLY am a “real” student of Dr. King, which is great. I think this will be a really good 2 years if I can really push myself. I got my first full-time job w/ benefits, but it doesn’t pay as much as a FT job should, in my opinion. Still, it’s functional, is interesting, and has had some great learning experiences. No more L&L for me. I love the bakery, but not the rest of it. Through that, however, I’ve learned to become a good communicator (I think), probably to the point of annoyance, but, whatever.

So. As always, there’s plenty to complain about, plenty to wish upon the stars for, etc. And, there’s plenty to be thankful for, however difficult it may seem to find it and always be aware of. Perhaps I’m in need of one of those life-changing experiences where you have nothing to live with, on, etc. Like living in Africa or something. Of late, I’m constantly battling with feeling like I’m either too selfish, fake, money-oriented, etc., or that I let everyone walk all over me and am too nice, therefore, will finish last. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that if either of this were true, that someone would (hopefully) tell me. Again, the issue of honest communication. I may not seem it, but I’m tough. I’m a big boy and am trying to deal with things the best way I can as an adult. I am sensitive, but, that’s me. I’d rather feel too much than not at all. That being said, I’m told that I’m pretty stoic and not easy to read. How confusing. I’ll just stop thinking. Ha. Right.

I have a nagging feeling that all of these feelings should be put into a song; it’s late, though, and I’m tired. Plus, I haven’t even finished half dozen songs/melodies I’ve already started. I’ve GOT to get my stuff finished and get organized with Kate to start our recording project before school starts. I’d like to get at least an EP out of it…

Blah. The crazier life gets, the more direct I get and the more I crave “perfection” and organization. Perhaps this is an age issue. I dunno anymore. I can’t tell the difference between maturity, life experience, knowledge, and common sense anymore. Eek. Someday, I will have order.

Now, a very brief look at my 2 favorite things of late - oboe and men. Oboe seems to be going well. Men...meh. My sex life needs a jumpstart, but I have a lot of mental and physical issues that seem to be mounting (no pun) against me. Argh. Just when you think you have a handle on something, it just jumps out of your grip.

I had this all planned out. And now, I’m sleepy and have to pee. It’s time for bed. I’ll try to update more often. I sorta like this brain-dump thing. It’s a lot quicker than trying to write music. And, sometimes, a bit more satisfying. Ciao for now...